Eleven Years

CHAPTER 19

SADIE

THE night after Jake vanished in front of me, endless questions and thoughts haunted my mind. If Jared had this secret then why he couldn't say it to me?

Well, maybe I wasn't that too important for him. Was it his privacy or something he just couldn't mention to somebody?

"That face is disturbing", he uttered silently. He went to the kitchen and grabbed a water for himself. It was an early evening and I had been empty for so many nights, I couldn't smile, couldn't do any positive aura.

"Jared", I followed him to the kitchen.

He stopped the faucet, placed his glass on the counter and faced me, "what?". His voice was timid and I was hating it.

"Your brother Jake told me that there's something in you that I - "

"Stop listening to him, don't give even a single shit to that man", he exclaimed. Now, it wasn't timid anymore, his eyes were burning.

"Jared, he's your brother - "

"Fuck it Sadie!", he raised his voice in a way that I never expected.

I placed my hand in my chest and managed to be prim. He was mad, my soul could feel it. With that moment, it wasn't the Jared that I adored, it was the Jared that I wanted to ignore but deep inside I kept reminding myself that he was a nice man and that he raised his voice because he was just upset. Nothing more, nothing less.

His palm was touching my unsteady face, his thumb wiped a single tear that fell from my eye and his lips were slowly into mine, "I'm sorry Sadie, sorry"

"I think I should go", I mumbled. I wanted to leave, just be gone for a while. In my mind, it wasn't love that I had for him, but in my heart, it kept telling me the opposite.

He pressed his body to mine, "I want you here Sadie, don't leave me". There was sincerity in his voice that it melted me every time I hear it.

"Jared, you said that you can't be my man then what's the point of being like this? You touching me and my body, you owning me even if at first I was never yours, you giving me a shelter when I'm just nobody but a girl you met in a cafe, you putting me in a place of confusion when all I ever wanted was peace and understanding, you who took my youth even though we were just nothing but friends. So, what's the point of all of these if I can't be yours and you can't be mine?"

He moved an inch away from me and covered his face with his palms, "are you falling in love with me Sadie?".

"Even if I say yes, I know you will never ever feel the same", I admitted.

It was a blank sky in his gaze. Those turquoise eyes that meant so much for me was now bleeding with rain.

I looked down and closed my eyes, "what's your secret Jared?"

Honestly, I wasn't ready for it. Not ready to hear his reason and mystery but I knew it would be the only way for me to stop putting my ugly thoughts in top of myself.


"I'm married"


What

The

Fuck?

Is

He

What?
I shook my head, acting like his word was never real and happened. The thunderstorm in my heart just ruined the little sane that I had. I heard a lot of people in this world who said that the truth is somehow good but most of it are agonizing. If truth would be the core of all the better understandings and if it would bring so much peace to people, then, why it brought me here...in this position where I couldn't even move my foot, where I couldn't blink, where I couldn't breathe. This was the truth that defined to be as agonizing. The truth that came out from Jared's mouth was suffocating me.

"Why'd you keep it a secret?", my voice broke into pieces.

"Sadie, I don't want to talk about it"

"I don't want to be a mistress", I groaned. His eyes were on me, telling me to stop, begging me to calm down.

"You're not a mistress", he mumbled, "you're not Sadie"

"Then what am I Jared? What the hell am I? A friend? In bed? In your couch? Pleasuring you? What? Tell me!"

My tears went everywhere. The whole kitchen was in chaos with strong voices and dramatic tones. I wanted to slap him and give him the ache that my heart was mourning.

"I want you to get ready for sleep"

"No", I insisted.

"I want you Sadie to follow what I - "

"Stop manipulating me Jared!!!"

There was it. I finally groaned it. It had been something that I felt for so much longer that I could ever remember by being with him.

"Am I manipulating you?", it was the lowest voice that I'd ever heard from him. He stood so quiet, deadly ghost. I felt sad for him that he wasn't even realizing what he was actually doing to me. He just couldn't believe what I had said in front of him.

"I'm sorry if I can't love you the way you wanted to, but being you here by my side is giving me hope. A hope that had been gone for so long. I'm sorry if I break your heart Sadie, it's better if you'll go now and leave me. It's much better for you to do it. I will tell Mister Mile to book you a hotel for weeks and I will try myself to stop thinking about you after that. Once again, I'm deeply sorry"

He took a step, one, two, three but he stopped.

"I can't tell you about my past. It's still excruciating, I still wish you a very good night Sadie", he ended with his broken voice and finally left.

There I was lying on the kitchen's floor, dead but still breathing. If a man was honest, a woman should be grateful. Jared was just honest but I felt like a fool.

*

ELEVEN in the evening, I woke up and noticed that my pillow was filled with my tears. Here I am, forcing myself to feel okay again. He was in his bedroom and I wondered if he was awake or maybe sleeping for hours now.

I hadn't eaten dinner. I never had the appetite though. I cleared my throat and wore my cardigan. The night sky was clear and the moon was brighter than I had never seen for a long time now. I wondered about it a lot, how could the moon shone like this? She was just alone but her protectors were too hard to compile. The stars they also shone, for her. My dreams they rusted, for me to learn.

The door was never locked so I opened it. My eyes centered to the whole living room, it was empty, quiet and just a little bit sadder. I noticed the whole Philadelphia was blue too. I bet a lot of young people were painting the town red up until tonight, may they have the best memories they ever longing for.

I wanted to hug Jared. Even my pride was the only thing left in me, I still wanted to hug him. I went to his door and decided to knock. The moment I wanted to do it, I quickly closed my palm and just placed my forehead on the door. I sighed. I wanted him, I really really do.

My heart was way too stubborn. I caught myself knocking on his door, there wasn't an answer. Maybe he was sleeping and it would be so rude of me if I would bother him, he was tired of work, I knew that. I tried to pull down the doorknob, slowly with no sound.

It opened. So it was never locked. He always locked his bedroom, placed the keys on his lamp's little table. I somehow memorized everything about him even though I lived here for just a month.

Maybe he forgot to lock the door earlier or maybe he was just trying not to actually do it.
I entered and closed the door again. He was sleeping silently with his blanket all over his body. Calm, sincere, angelic and just heavenly gorgeous. I remembered the day when he held my hand for the first time. The trees were swaying, the air was a little colder, the leaves paraded the rough road, the sky was grey and his palm gave me the warm. I would never forget it. That moment was just unexplainable for a thirty year-old man holding a nineteen year-old chaotic hand.

I sat in the edge of his bed where his feet were too far away.

"I love you", I whispered, good enough for him not to hear it. I couldn't lie anymore. There was a bitter smile that existed in me and somehow it turned to a lonely face again.

His feet moved and I wanted to escape but my body wanted to stay.

"Sadie, is that you?", he mumbled. The dim light covered our faces together but I could see him exactly as I wanted to see him.

He leaned to his headboard and I noticed that he was topless. He really loved sleeping without putting a shirt on, "I let the door unlock for you", he admitted.

Somehow, it made me blush and I was quite grateful that the dim light made it invisible to him.

"I don't want to ask anything about your past but I just can't believe you're married. I mean you're thirty though but it amaze me how your wife never showed up in front of me", I muttered.

"Are you leaving tomorrow?", he changed the topic.

I grabbed my knees and let them touched my chin, "all I feel is shame while being here Jared because after all this time, I didn't know you're tied to someone else. Maybe to leave would be the best thing and maybe it would lead to the peace of mind that I've been wanting"

He laid his hand in the air, asking me to come over with him, "let me touch your face Sadie for one last night"

That broke me.

I crawled to him and leaned my back to the headboard. He was staring at me and I was doing the same. Oh God, his turquoise eyes never failed to hypnotize me. He ran his fingers through my hair and whispered, "I will miss this"

Without a single second to be wasted, I kissed him. I heard him gasped but I continued placing my lips to his. My body couldn't stop moving until he responded to every strong kisses I filled in him.

I stopped for a while, our faces were just inches away and we could hear each other's reaching for our breath. This feeling couldn't be described, it meant to be felt.

His hands were on my waist, "for one last night?"

I nodded and said nothing. I wanted him inside of me for this one last chance. This man had taught me a lot of things, he showed me different colors and even made me believe that there was a love for me to exist with that phrase "age doesn't matter".

He undressed me and took off his boxer. I let him removed all the piece of clothing that I was wearing and nothing could beat that bitterly satisfaction. We kissed like we'd been through a lot of storms, gasping for the air, breathing for a second and clashing like we'd just wanted to pressed our bodies together. To feel the heat, to catch the fire and enjoy what goes with it.

I hoped this would never end, his touch like a therapy and his scent like a drug, the addictive one. As I shook my head from right to left, there was nothing in my mind during that moment, it was only him and me.

We threw the blanket off and continued what we were doing. He was inside of me, thrusting harder and there was nothing better than this, nothing anymore.

After a while, I placed my head in his massive arms. I felt being safe, secured and loved, somehow, I couldn't say if he really loved me, even for once. The thought about it killed me a lot.

"Mister Mile will pick you up at eight. By that, I wouldn't be here to watch you leave and I think I can handle that. I wish you the best Sadie, whatever happens in life just know that my thoughts will be with you", he assured.

I glanced at him, "I wanna know more about you Jared"

"It's too painful to share", he ended. I remembered those words.

We hugged each other to sleep. My face buried to his chest and it felt like a paradise. This night was enchanting and made me realized that things were unpredictable. Being here with him, close to him, was just a sacred place to be. My mom in Nebraska used to say: ' You can't love a man who's not yet ready to fall in love with you, for letting go is a devilish way and that is true '.

I heard the clock turned to midnight. 12:00 AM, there was a tear fell from my eye because for the next eight hours, his face would never be visible to me again. I would have to bid my farewell.
I hugged him even tighter.

"Don't cry", he rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head.

I kissed his lips once again, "I love you"

Those three words, I finally said it with all my aching heart, soul and bones. It was true, all true, no lie, no shit, no negativity involved.

But there was no reply, no word, no answer just nothing. My voice was loud enough for him but he just ignored it, maybe not totally ignored, maybe he just couldn't say anything to made me not feel bad or empty. I almost closed my eyes to sleep until his deep voice existed again,


"I can't be your man Sadie"


and I cried my heart, soul and bones to sleep. Dear Lord, can you please help me?