Eleven Years

SADIE

I FORCE MYSELF to collect all the details in the pitch-black wall, the polaroid pictures have been hanging there for a while now. They represent different nostalgia in my life, mixed stories, diverse emotions and other things that came along with it.

Now, the box that smells like an ancient book is in front of me. I place all my stuffs in there, from pictures, to colorful notes, to pens, to tiny blackboard, and novels. It seems like I'm ready, well not really. Tanya, one of the best encoders, has always been the best and nicest friend of me. She wrinkles her nose and slip her blurry eyes away.

"No, I'm not gonna do it", she keeps stopping her tears.

"I think this is it", I declared.

We hug for like a minute and I feel like I'm not just leaving a friend, I'm leaving a pivotal person who showed me how to live when being alone haunted you in the middle of the night. This is the hardest part about saying goodbye, you can force your eyes not to cry but you can't do the same with your heart.

For the past five years in this company, it was really a challenge but right now I think it's time to go. It's time to let go. Such memory enters to my mind as I think about 'letting go'. This is so bizarre … I haven't thought of him for so many years now and it's confusing why my mind has to remind me of it.

I wave my hand for my farewell. Tanya keeps grinning and sends me a satisfying flying kiss. When the fresh doors closed, I immediately call my aunt that my three-hour drive will start in a minute. She urges for me to take the train but I love driving and I just can't leave my car in the hotel. I stare at the building one last time, this is way too sad, this is way too unusual.

The three-hour drive was just a snap, the weather was friendly and the traffic didn't hit me harder than before. When I was in the car, I thought about a lot of things and some of them were meant to forget but then I realized... forgetting went fucked up for me.

I arrive safely at exactly three in the late afternoon. The porch has welcome me with balloons and I have no ideas what is going on. I enter with the keys in my fingers, lousy dress that I'm wearing, and a face who needs an eight-hours of sleep immediately.

"Belated Happy Birthday!!!"

My eyes turn circle and they're just laughing. If coming home would always be like this, then I'll come back any second even though I have already been arrived.

A single cake is on the table, there's wine, pasta, and some grilled steak. The curtains are golden and silver, they even placed a cute decoration in the center of it. I stare at the whole living room … I smile with tears for so much emotions. I see my Aunt Molly holding hands with Paul together with their daughter Eula, there is little Clyde who’s chuckling with my wonderful husband …


“Welcome home”, he kissed my lips and embrace me with his comforting arms, “I miss you”
“I miss you too sweetheart”, I hold his hand and place it on my cheek. I really miss him.
“Sadie, my dear, welcome back, we miss you and let’s celebrate your birthday even though it’s kind of late”, my Aunt Molly lights the candle and they start singing ‘happy birthday’ to me. There’s nothing more exciting than this, I kiss Clyde’s pinkish lips and wipe the extra tears in my eyes. Pure happiness, I can’t ask for more.

Turning 30 feels so bizarre and giving an unexpected farewell to my twenties is quite hard for me to do. I spent my twenties in a way that a lot of people have experienced with, hangout with friends, went to the mountains and watched the sun rises and sets, riding in a motorcycle and enjoy the breeze of the air and direction of the road, going to college with full decisions, marrying a wonderful man and having a complete family. I thought about it a lot, I have done so many teenage stuffs during my twenties which is a different story from other people who are welcoming their thirties. I learned so much, and they were too many to mention but one thing is for sure, I learned to see myself as a successful woman, wife, mother, friend, and an individual. Someone long before had taught me about life, someone who saw me as the opposite of the word ‘failure’.

The sun is about to set and the whole house turns to golden orange. This is home, a bungalow that my husband and I bought about a year ago. I notice that all of them are in the backyard, they love grilling and sipping beers in can. My husband and Paul are like brothers now, should I say besties if that’s a term for them to call their friendship. I watched Aunt Molly laughing with her charming white teeth and glossy lips. I remember how she was back then and even if I want to forget the old days, my mind can’t cooperate with me. Her life completely changed in the arms of Paul, she smiles like the happiest woman in the world, lives her life to the point where nothing matters anymore than her husband and Eula. She dreamed for so long of having a kid, now, she’s grateful than ever. They married here, in Atlanta, one of the best days that ever happened in our lives. I have so many things to say to her but my actions speak louder than those awaiting words to utter.
She glances at me from the tiny glass door and a question is written. She walks slowly as she approaches me with her wondering eyes. When she arrives steps away from mine, she folds her arms and raise her eyebrow.
“There’s something going on”, she suspected.
I take an uncomfortable breath, “I’m just happy. I’m so happy”
“C’mon”, she hugs me jut like the first time she welcomed me in her house, “I’ll tell you something”
“Yes Aunt?”
She shakes her head and head to the guest room. Seconds later she comes back with a white unopen envelope. She hands it to me and I am confused of what to do.
“Take it”, she said.
I welcome the envelop with my shaking hand and the address has sent me to thousands of memories. I look at my aunt and she just nod.
“I can’t read it”, I press my lips and manage to handle the situation firmly.
“You have to”, she insisted, “I’ll leave you here alone, my dear”

I open the sealed envelope, the letter is neat, the date is not far away from today, as I run my fingers through his calligraphy … well, my mind leads me back to his turquoise eyes and in the city that I have never been visited for eleven years. Philadelphia.
“You can do it. I can do it”, I remind myself.


Dear Sadie,

I don’t know how to start this letter. I can’t even remember when was the last time I ever write a handwritten letter with. I’ve been staring at this blank sheet for a while now. For a while, Sadie.
It’s been eleven years, wow. When you read this, you probably turned thirty and I know things has finally changed. How are you now? How’s life? I haven’t seen you for years and years and years, it’s quite a long time. A very long time.
The reason why I’m writing this one is that I’m dying to tell you how much you changed my life. I know we’re all happy in our own lives now and I don’t want to create an issue, I don’t want this to be an issue. It’s just … I remember you said that in eleven years you will come back here in Philly but I have a feeling that you wouldn’t gonna come back.
I have numerous words to say, Sadie.
To give you my life update now, I am happy. I have two beautiful girls now, Luna and Yellow. I named them after the moon, we used to watch the moon, how stunning and brighter it was. Rosie, she’s incredible. She came back to me … she came back. You were right Sadie, she came back home, … she came back to me. My greatest love came back in a way that you have predicted. Thank you so much Sadie because you believed, you really did.
Jake is great, they’re still in Pittsburgh and he wonders about you too. My mom asked me so much about what happened to us and I never said a word, but she knew me very well, she knew me. The owner of Dale Café, Miss Morgan, passed away about a year ago. It was a heartbreaking point for us but one thing happened, Rosie remembered her. The unexplainable smile on Miss Morgan’s face was priceless. Now, the café is owned by Rosie.
Back then, I watched you. I was there when you were graduating in college. You looked like the definition of success. I booked a flight to Atlanta just to witness you with that diploma and black gown, I cried like a child that time because I was so proud of you. How gorgeous and brave you were, Sadie. Georgia changed you in a way that I love and wanted. After those years, I heard you got married, and you have a son. I didn’t know the lucky man’s name but I am satisfied not to know as it would cause an ache. I heard you have a job faraway in Atlanta, you work in an office and sacrifice being away with your family. I hope you are doing well and all your dreams for your family will come true.
If you ever change your mind to come back here in Philly, don’t forget that our door is open for you, the Dale Café is waiting for your visit.
Sadie, you are one of the greatest parts of my life and seeing you succeeding makes me win too. We were destined to change each other’s lives but weren’t destined to be together. A lot of people said, that there’s going to be one person whom you will call ‘the one that got away’ but I don’t believe it. You are not just ‘the one’ that ‘got away’, you are more than that, Sadie.
Also, I believe in one thing, that is ‘indelibility’ and that is … you.
To regret, to let go, to forget. Those are your ways of moving on but mine went different. To be grateful, to be thankful, to cherish … those are my ways.
I’ll end my letter now, I don’t even want to end it. Have a good day, have a nice life and may “Luna” give you the shine in every darkness as always as everlastingly.


- Jared


My husband observes me as I sit alone in the front porch. The afterglow is the best part when you love small things, the hues of violet, orange, yellow, has covered the whole place, just stunning. He sits beside me, with his arms touching my messy hair.
“I was the one who got the letter first, that was a week ago”, he positions himself to face me, “you read it? It’s from him”
My husband knew about Jared, I never kept any secrets from him. He knew the story of how we met, how I fell in love and the reason why I had to let go.
“I read it”, I stated, “do you mind if I ever go back to Philly? You know, just a visit, is that okay with you?”
He quicky kiss me, “You don’t need to ask, darling”


*

I found myself in an old street where the streetlights are orange and the bricks became a little ancient. Dried maple leaves line up the whole way, flower pots place in a rusted metal shelf, some cats are wandering, some people are nowhere. I made some steps until I reach one of the best coffee shops here in Philly. It’s about to close, the waiter is grabbing the keys in his pocket and slowly flipping the sign ‘closed’. I stand a little far away and the emotions in my heart has brought me from the very beginning of my life in this city.
“Dale Café”, I whispered. Nothing has changed except the feeling, I feel inside.
I hide myself in the bushes and I remind myself to be comfortable as I watch a pretty woman who is holding two girls in their tiny coats with both of her hands. They are laughing and giggling. How sweet.
The café’s inner light has shut, so I decide to free myself in the bushes and breathe. Why am I hiding though? It must have been her, the face that I can’t forget. The face whom I used to see myself.
I only have twenty-four hours here in Philly, so, if I will never gonna cross path with him, then, the fate has remarked. I walk back to the main road, my sweater is not helping me at all, the freezing air keep entering to my bones. The figures of the woman and her two kids has disappeared, I bet they safely gone to their home. I hope.
I receive a message from my old company, telling me that the interview will start tomorrow morning, that’s why I have to catch my flight as faster as I need to. When I close my phone, a strange thunderous foot-steps catch my ears.
Loud but not alarming.
Suspicious but kind of familiar.
"I ain't gonna hurt you"

I stopped walking.

That voice, dear God help me.

“Miss?”

The voice that I longed to hear for eleven years has finally here. It is still the same but such textures changed only a little bit. I’m extremely pinching myself if this is real or just an imaginary situation in my head. This is real. He is real. I turn around … even though the road is quite dim, the sky is black, the ground is rough, the background noise is static, and the harmony is losing, … his turquoise eyes has stand out the most and all the perfections that written on his face is the best welcoming I have ever experienced.
“Hi”, I almost lost my damn breath.
He beamed at me, looking straight into my eyes, getting inside as if he is revolving throughout those years that we both had lived in different lives, different arms, different cities, different goals, but in the same lifetime.
“Sadie”
He spoke my name that sounded more than the word ‘satisfied’ could define itself. I remain my feet on the ground, my hands are moving with too much heartbeats in my chest, my eyes are about to shut with so much tears that are dying to fall, my soul is screaming for so many years that I dreamed for this moment. He still has an impact to me, his smile, his stare, his voice, his strength and his whole existence. The man who’s one of the best things that ever happened to me … Jared Boston.
“It’s nice to see you, again”, he added and it feels like his losing his breath too.
“Eleven years”, I remind him and he just chuckle. Lowering his head and face me again.
“Have you seen ‘em?”
I take a moment to realize what he was asking and I realized it very well, “I saw them, they’re so lovely”
“Have you read my letter?”
“I did, Jared”, mentioning his name feels just like the very first night I met him. All the sparks come back but unfortunately, they’re all dead.
“You come to visit Philly?”
“Yes, but I won’t stay here till tomorrow. I have an urgent call for, you know, job”
We are like two people standing with so much words to say but couldn’t speak each of them. I am scared, maybe to face him is adding too much pressure in me but I remind myself again that past is past and be grateful for it was.
“Would you like to have a dinner with us?” he offers, waiting for me to reply.
“That sounds cool”, I said, the optimism in him has lit up and I have to take this moment as I am leaving too soon.
“Is there any wish you would like to express to me?”
I brush my hair with my fingers not knowing what Jared is talking about. I open my phone, oh my God. Weeks after my birthday would be his, this night feels the same as I met him here for the first time.
“It’s your birthday?”
“Yes”, he simply replies, “It’s Rosie’s birthday too, she’s yearning to meet you”
“I bet you don’t need a wish”, I tease him and he gives me a slightest laugh.
“What’s your husband’s name?”, he asks out of nowhere. I hold both of my hands and hesitant to answer him. The freezing air is belting me up and down to reconnect myself in this longed walk and conversation with him.
“He has the same name as you”
“What?”, his eyes circles and shaking his head with a gorgeous grin on his face, “we have the same name? That’s a coincidence”
“No, it’s fate.  God has given me a man with a name that would forever reminds me of you, but he has given me the complete man who loves me entirely and that is the opposite that I felt from you. I thought there was no one who could ever defeat the love that I had for you Jared but then when I was defeated, it was all by him … it was all by the man who have the same name as you.”
“I hope to meet him someday, if that’s possible.”
“He wanted to meet you too, he knows about you. In fact, he got the letter you have given to me, he got it first”, I said while glancing at the night sky.
“Our happy ending is too good to be true, what’d you think about it, Sadie?”
“We have our happy ending Jared but not in both of our hands. You are happy with Rosie and your kids, and I am happy with my husband and my son. We have our happy ending and it is more than good because it’s true”
“The moon is stunning”, he whispered.
Nothing changed, he’s still in love with the moon and so do I. The moon is the witness of my return here, the witness of this conversation, and the witness of this longed moment.

“How old are you now?”, I ask him and he is silent. He doesn’t want to talk about it, well, if someone would ask me, I think I would cover my face but not in a way that I am embarrassed because each year in our lives is a blessing and another level to enjoy, to grow, and to … live.
The final streetlight is quite near to us and we decide to take the remaining steps. I notice him stops for a second and face me, his turquoise eyes seem sailing into mine.

After all these years, it wasn’t about our age gap nor the years that we needed to impossibly achieve to fit in each other’s arms. It was all about the love that we had put in each of our lives, it feels like everything we asked for in this chaotic life has been answered in those years, inside of those eleven years.

He opens his mouth to speak and the light of the moon lands in our spot. A perfect scene.

“I’m finally 41”




THE END …