𝐚 𝐟𝐚𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 | 𝐤𝐢𝐦 𝐬𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐦𝐢𝐧

21 | seungmin

i was just 10.

i never thought i would experience this at such a young age. 

i wish i could erase that memory or got into an accident and loss my memory so that i could live my life calmly without being afraid of males. 

the sound of a lady screaming the word no multiple times filled my house as i came back from school. My legs were shaking, as i realised that was my mom's voice coming from my parents bedroom. i was at the door and i slowly approach the room quietly, there was no one at the living room and the kitchen. my brothers were at school and my lil sister is at the kindergarten, that means right now, only me, my mom and my dad are at home.

i am now in front of my parents room, my hand reach the doorknob, shivers at the sound of bed shaking and my mom screaming with my dad cursing multiple times. i only opened the door a little but that's enough to see what's happening in the room.

it was never my intention to see what they are up to but the sound of my mother screaming and crying makes me want to help her. But i never thought that my own father did this to her.

"Please! i d-don't..want i-it! no p-please" 

i saw how he pull her hair and forced her to pleasure him, force her to do things that my mom doesn't want to do, torture her by raping her.

i saw some blood on the bed and that's enough to make me traumatised. blood, rape, male and my mom is the victim.

i want to erase this memory.

__________________________________________

i was only 12.

again, i never thought i would experienced this at such a young age.

the memory of my father raped my mom is already enough making me afraid of males but my brother make it worse.

it was holiday and my parents aren't home, that means my brothers and me have to take care of my lil sister but my brothers were tired with their day and wants me to take care of her. unfortunately, i was distracted watching youtube and my sister fell from the stairs. my first brother were so mad and he was already in a bad mood that day, and that causes him to choke me and push me to the wall while choking me.

my other brother was to stunned at the moment and i was gasping for air was my first brother continue to choke me while yelling at me. i stare at my other brother who has his mouth wide opened and didn't even move to pull my first brother off me.

what stopped him was me. i hit his head with my hand and that somehow made him come to reality and release my throat. my knees quickly found the floor and the sound of me panting for air filled the room.

there was a bruise on my neck for a week and i cover it with a scarf, saying that i am cold.

choking, bruise, male and i am the victim.

i want to erase this memory.

_________________________________________

Yeonjun is not a bad guy nor a bad friend.. he's kind and sweet, gentle and soft, funny and cute but i dont have any feelings for him from the start and it was not because that i'm afraid of males, i'm comfortable with him but i see him just as a brother. and i dont want to get into a fight with Suni, considering she likes him and met him first.

But Seungmin..

he's different, very different. the vibes that he has gives a huge impact on me. his voice, his vocals makes me feel like i'm home, i'm finally home, my own home. 

His eyes, his dark brown eyes were hues of comforting childhood memories, as sweet as chocolate and as solid as the oak. In those earthy hues was his soul, not in they way of those cheesy romance novels, so obsessed with lust, but with the kind of beauty that expands a moment into a personal eternity, a heaven you wish to be a part of.

His smile was like a sudden beam of sunlight illuminating the darkest corners of the room. The way his cheeks dimpled, and the corner of his eyes wrinkled.. it's a comforting smile. it's a smile where you can give yourself in.

His laughter is the soundtrack of my soul, for it is what makes me dance within. His laughter is so free and pure, so childish despite his adult years. It came to my ears as a tickle and bounce and only a rocky heart could do anything but join in such generous mirth. i could spend the rest of my life just by hearing his laughter.

i have traumatic memories about guys that made me feel unsafe whenever i'm with guys, it's like their eyes are on me, scanning me like i'm a prey. But Seungmin fades the feeling off me, makes me forget about the memories, he's like my saviour. 

Kim Seungmin.