This Is (Unfortunately)ME

3/19/2022

Here we go again. I'm back in the same spot as the best friend or close friend to the person I like when they like someone else. It's not my first time here, defiantly not my first rodeo. This time its M*** and not some random person at school. It is like it happens the same way every time. I meet them, we get close as friends, and I don't realize how far my feelings got until they pop out in a relationship.

This time I tried to blame so of my discomfort on the fact that he dipped out while talking to her. That I was upset because everyone around me is getting in relationships and situations while I still struggle to like someone. I mean that is still partially true, I'm starting to feel broken. I get that my standards are high, but I used to be so love crazy. I was just talking to multiple people last semester and ready to rush into relationships. 

Shit truth is I'm sacred. I spend so much time scrutinizing my friends on rushing their feelings and acting too fast that I neglect the fact that I don't take risks in love. I'm so scared of getting hurt, wasting my time, being vulnerable, being embarrassed, falling in love again that I don't give chances even when I know that I want to. 

Like how did I fuck this up? He was most of what I said I wanted. Most importantly he expressed his interest in me multiple times and even took the time to be my friend and I STILL didn't give the chance because I held back. It was either, I'm scared of sex with you. He says he isn't worried about that. I can't because your best friends with my roommate. She moves out and they aren't really talking. Well, my roommate told me not to fwu. She still gives you my number and instigates the situation.

 He is a best friend to me now and that hurts even more. I feel like I'm back in that Kae situation. That shit crushed me so much but I waited my turn and it worked out. I don't think it will work out this time though. I'm so happy for him. Another part of the problem. I wanna be selfish so bad bruh, but I can't bring myself to do that to him. I was actually happy when he told me how much fun with her he was having. How she makes him feel. i can't break that. I can't express myself now when all I want for him and everyone around me is to be happy and in love. 

I can picture it now. I tell one of my girl friends how I feel about him. The look of sadness and maybe disappointment. No one would be surprised by how much I talk about him. 

They would tell me, "well Ashaunte just tell him. The worst he could do is say no. No point in holding it in."

To which I would say, "nah cuz he's actually happy. I wanna tell him so bad, but I also don't because I wanna see him happy with her. I don't know if he could actually be happy with me, and vice versa. Bro he smiled so fucking big. I felt so happy for him at the same time when my feelings were hurt. I don't wanna be the one to ruin shit. I feel like he would hate me. I don't want her to hate me. I don't wanna hurt her feelings either. I feel like he would cut me off."

It really doesn't help that he's my best friend and Madison is busy and already in a relationship. I think that it would cloud her judgement a little. Idk if I want anybody telling me to fight for love or to go get my man. I just wanna talk to him like best friends to where he hears me out, and explains that it changes nothing between us. I want him to undestand and see where I might have developed feelings at. Tell me that he gets what I mean ,but he's with her rn and wants to see where this goes. Still look at me the same and not make it weird but still respect his gf. I wanna still feel like we'll have our hours long talks about everything. But he told me how he is in relationships. He falls off the face of the Earth and after a couple times, I believe him.

 I respect it, if I was in his spot I would be the same. Well actually not, he would still hear from me. I wouldn't lie and say I haven't been in the mood to talk. I been thinking about how childish I think it is to not be able to balance your relationships between friends and romantic partners. He has called my lately though, but of course it's not the same. I didn't expect it to be. idk I just don't know. I'm mad because I have to wait and see. If it doesn't feel right then I wont deal with it. If it starts to feel better then I'll move on because there were reasons I didn't date him to begin with.

I can't help thinking though. I want you to say I Love You again so this time I can say it back and know I mean it.

When you told me the first few times, I didn't say it back because I think I knew how I would have meant it. And I didn't think, or wasn't sure, if you meant it the same way. I didn't want it to come off fake or awkward, but I thought it. I almost slipped up and said it too.

Tell me you love me again "gang", so I can know where I stand.

I mean shit just last week we were flirting, technically earlier this week, and calling each other bae. Complaining about the other not answering the phone and talking for hours still. It changed too fast for me. I didn't get a chance to prepare. Next time a heads up would be great.

Didn't you see how that could confuse me?

Also, I keep taking showers. Probably because this whole week started to make me feel dirty. It was all so good. Now I just wanna wash the situation off of me.

I hope this makes you happy, so that I don't feel like I'm holding out for nothing.

I really need a hug rn. I'm too fucking touch deprived for this, and I just want M***. He always made me feel better. Now I'd probably feel worse. Knowing me, there'd be a slip up of the tongue and....

Just yeah. I'm about to go shower. Again.