This Is (Unfortunately)ME

3/15/2019

Depression gang gang.

It is WAY past my sad bitch hours but oh well. I've been up reading my old chapters in this lil book and I've got to say..damn.

I have changed crazily since middle school. I was so fucking lame it is sad. Plus I wasn't as feminine as I am now in some areas. I noticed the big jump from happy little update to long winded update on how much I hate my life and myself. Damn that is crazy. I was so much better at dealing with it back then.

Anyway I wanna be quick cuz I'm about to cry again. Yes, again. I cried like a few days ago for at least an hour. That shit felt good but bad at the same time.

Like it was good to get the badfeelings out but it hurt physically when I tried not to cry too much. I would want to stay sobbing butt I wouldn't let myself so my heart/chest would feel like it was on fire. My back was feeling like I was on hot coals. I really need somebidy to rub my back or some shit but like the big girl I am, I got over it. I gotta say though, the sleep was delightful afterward.

That is my plan for today. Even a little but I'd that would be nice. I just need to get in the right depressed mindset. I hope I can cuz the shut head crying about was some shit I've been holding in for months. I am having the same problem but not enough of it to where I feel the need to cry. I mostly just feel like giving up. I have never felt so defeated and almost unloved by someone who claims to love me.

I want to laugh cuz now I'm thinking "do they even know that they don't love me that much anymore?" I'm curious.

People will say they love me and all my quirks or issues or whatever, but they don't. They think they do, but if they did then why keep doing shit that contrast that. Mane, people changing out here.

Like you know I'm insecure and I have told you multiple times that I need genuine reassurance. Then you turn around and do triggering shit that may not seem bug to you, but it is to me. Like I go out of my fucking way to not do shit that may trigger bad feelings or negativity for you because I care and respect you and your emotions. You don't do the same for me anymore and it really does put me down. If you don't care anymore I would greatly appreciate it if you said that, so we can end this thing while we are still ahead and don't resent each other. Truth be told I am starting to dislike you a little. No I don't love you any less but I don't feel the whole relationship is good anymore. I don't see it going anywhere. Then when I tell you how something you did makes me feel, you try to fucking negotiate it or justify what you did. It is not your fault that it hurt but you could apologize for it or just not apologize at all. Don't try and twist the apology so it will better suit you. That shit aggravating my dude. Also it feels like you judge me now and I don't like that shit. I don't take the time out of my day to judge you so don't judge me. Thanks, from management. I'm getting real fed up with the whole thing. I just don't wanna do it anymore sometimes, but I said I wouldn't leave you. I'll just have to wait till you leave me.

Also apologizing for doing something us not a thing. You can not apologize for something that already happened. It's too fucking late. You can apologize for the way something you did made another person feel, but you can't take it back so don't bother saying sorry ESPECIALLY if you don't even mean it. That shit aggravating.

Thanks, from management.

I'll go cry myself to sleep now.😊 have a good night.