This Is (Unfortunately)ME

10/21/17

Wassup!! It's been a minute hasn't it. I've just been so busy working on my latest book, A Thicke Girl's Love. I am constantly thinking of ways to improve that book that I sort of forgot about this one.

I k ow not many people even read this book but I still think of This Is Me as my baby. It's like therapy for me to come on here and write about things people don't hear me say. I can come on here and find relief from being who people see me as and just be me. Also, because this book isn't that popular I can tell about my secrets that my friends don't know or tell about what has been on my mind lately.

Speaking of, I think I might be attracted to my boy best friend. Like I know I find him attractive, but I think I'm attracted to him. Only physically, but it's weird. I think about him way too much. I am positive that I don't have feelings for him because eww.

Like he really ain't my type. TBH, my best friend is a whole ass fuckboy out here. I mean come on. I'm like the type of girl who attracts fuckboy type niggas as friends. I don't judge him but I gotta tell the truth. I always gotta remind myself that he has a whole girlfriend and a baby mama. I don't need them problems.

Also, he just isn't the kind of guy I would have as my first. I mean, if he was single and I wasn't a virgin I'd be quick to let him fuck. But I want to lose my virginity to my own boyfriend that I trust not to talk about it to everyone. Cause at my school all we got is Thots and Hoes. The boys always say the girls are some thot ass hoes. And we say the boys are some exposing hoes. And I'm not getting exposed for having sex with some random ass nigga.

But that's besides the point of me thinking of my best friend sexually. He even started talking bout how he was dry and wasn't getting no pussy. I said too bad and he need to get it from his girlfriend. He gone start some shit saying she won't give him none so he can get it from me. Of course I shut that shit all the way down. I basically told him that I was going to stay a virgin and he was never hitting this. He said he was just playing and I knew that but come on. My best friend is low-key fine.

For a basic fuckboy type of dude.

You know, light skin, curly fade, kinda nice lips. He also got the big diamond earrings and a cute Lil six pack. I was shocked as hell when I found out he was taller than me by a couple of inches. Basically best friend kind of cute.

I'm confused on how I feel about him. I certainly don't like him. But I do sometimes wanna fuck him. When I see him at school I want him around me because he has this soothing aura around him. Like I am happy to know that we are completely platonic towards each other. We spare no feelings. We can basically be all up on each other and I couldn't care less about the fact that he a guy and I'm a girl. There is no sexual tension most times. Even when we talk about sexual topics. Which is all the fucking time.

Some co Ed friendships try not to talk about the fact that they are if different sexes. I am not one to ignore that. I know I'm a girl that has a close friendship with a boy. He knows vice versa. We don't get weird about it. In my friend group things just come to us naturally.

There is 9 of us in my close friend group and we are what I call, The family. There are only three boys in the family. The rest if us are girls so things tend to get interesting. I love my friend family, so I don't want anyone to hurt them. I would never want anything to break up our family or make things difficult for us to be around each other. I love them all in different ways. The guys I love as brothers and the girls are my suhboos. We got each other's backs. We like this🤞, which is strange cause we only see each other altogether for an hour at school. Plus, alot of us met as a group earlier this year. I only knew two of them personally before this school year.

I have heard only a few whispers about our group in our class that we take together. See the thing is that we touch each other alot. If you were to see us in a relaxed setting we might look like a group of swingers or something. I mean we gave a lot of physical contact with each other. Not in a sexual way just cause we are close and we seem to like to play and touch a lot.

Typically, on a normal day say a week or two ago we look like this.

So we sit on the bleachers in a certain space we app seem to like at the top. There is J+J, who is a couple so they usually laying down kissing or whatever. I'm usually sitting next to them trying not to listen to their sexy talk. Right behind me is boy best friend A. I'm literally right between his legs leaning back on him with my elbow on his knee and shit. I'm probably talking to the girls or on Netflix while he reads the subtitles over my shoulder. Note completely platonic. Even more above me is C snuggled up with her "6th period boyfriend" G. G is not apart of the family but the used to cuddle. If she ain't with him she is with the other C. The girl C is also sometimes a row below me with N, T, and B. All girls.

So I'm in between A's legs and J+J are making out. If A gets up I'm like candy to the girls below me that want to lay on me. They either sit in between my legs, lay back on my knees or put they head on my shoulder. If J+J start 'fighting' somehow J's head or leg ends up on my thigh.

We do all that touching but they still just the fam. We talk about shit like sucking dick often lol. We are just really comfortable with speaking and joking on sexual things ig. One thing I have to cut off is when N said we should call each other sister,brother and mama and all that.

I said," People gone look at us like wtf. It'll be wierd if I'm laying on A calling him my brother. Shit we gone be looking like we fuck our family or some shit." 😂The rest agreed with me.

That was just a lil update with a taste of my daily life. Peep that BTS mv at the top. But remember. . .

Love ya, Ashaunte.😘