This Is (Unfortunately)ME

2/12/19

I think I really got issues yo. Oh shit I didn't even say my intro..fuck it. So yeah, I got issues.

Trigger Warning 😊

I was just pretty happy about two hours ago but now it feels like sadness has enveloped me. You ever feel that sadness that makes you hot and all you want to do is cool down? That's the shit I'm on now.

I wanted to have a good day today but my craziness won't let me. I've been thinking that I might want to go to therapy for my fuvked up mind. Problem though. I feel like if I ask my mom to get me therapy she'll try and send me to church and I don't need that shit. I was this close to telling her that I'm pansexual a few days ago because I feel like if I do some weight will be taken off my shoulders and I start the rest of my life. I don't really hide that I like girls but I think she really doesn't want to believe it so I let her do her. I just don't want to keep feeling like I'm holding myself back from being happy with anyone because of how my mom might react. To be honest I don't care if she doesn't like it. I coyldnt give a flying fuck. I just don't want her dragging me to church so the Lord can "fix" me, or have her asking me "who hurt me".

Nobody had to hurt me. I came out the womb liking pussy and thinking of dick and its gone stay that way. Whew chillay if she knew about the pimping I did as a child I would get sent away. Like she ain't super homophobic but she thinks there must be something wrong with you for you to "think" you like the same sex..though there is some shit wrong with me. I just can't place exactly what events in my life left me so fucked up in the head.

All I can pin point is my daddy issues. Which I used to deny but as I grow older that gets harder to do. I keep seeing ways that the abandonment by my father has affected me even though as a child I didn't really see them except for the constant seekibg of approval by the men in my life.

This is about to get depressing but is it wrong that even when I'm happy I still think it would be better if I died? Like I have plans for my life and things I want to accomplish. I even have loving friends and a bright future and allat but I think that living a ling life leaves lots of room to be unhappy and hate my life and myself.

I have grown to live myself more in 2017-18 than any other year but I still get those days where its like it can only get worse. My life had become almost life heaven comapred to how it was when I was in elementary and early middle school. I just don't wanna go back to that shit. Going to sleep every night and hoping that I don't wake up. I didn't want to live for anything.

At least now I have friends to live for, but I know that isn't healthy. When ever I meet somebody that I want to live for I have an internal debate with myself on whether I should do this to myself again. And by this I mean connecting myself and my emotions to another person's. I do it so fuckibg much and I know I should stop but my stupif heart and mind can't agree. I always hit myself with the "but they make me happy and u deserve that" or "their happiness is my happiness". I honestly make myself sick sometimes with that shit. I get so emotionally invested in people that make me feel super happy that I forget that my happiness shouldn't depend on someone else's.

I also think that I was sent here to give love, but not receive all of it back. I just can't help loving people that I dont think receive enough love. I see that they are wounded amd want to become a home for them. I basically fall in love with all of them knowing I will get hurt. Like the love isn't romantic just more of being connected emotionally and mentally. I fall in love with their personalities and don't stop myself when I know I should.

Falling in love this much hurts like a bitch, but no. I never know when to stop cuz I keep thinking "If no one else lives you, I will". Which is crazy since I'm usually a bitch to people.