This Is (Unfortunately)ME

2/20/19

Aye it's sad bitch hours. I didn't even notice at first till I started feeling really sad and alone. I probably should have gotten a hint since I had been wanting to cry, but I've been wanting to cry for the past few days.

Anyway I got questions running through my head that people around me can't or won't answer. I don't exactly need the answer I just want to talk about it. I'm craving a long talk about any and every thing.

Can you be sexually and mentally attracted to someone but not be in love with them even though you do love them? When does that love turn romantic, if it can?

Does anyone else believe that you can be in love with a person but it not be romantic? You just love everything about them that you can say that you're in love with their..essence? Or should I say you're in love with who they are as a person.

Is it possible to have your heart broken by your friend?

Now I know they answer to that. Yes the fuck you can. I really believe that shit. I mean I was just thinking of going on Twitter and being like "I don't think people understand that your best friend can break your heart just as bad as a lover can" and that shit is true. To the fullest extent.

Just imagine you go through a hard time in life. You meet a person that makes you feel like you aren't alone anymore. They are everything you ever wanted in a soulmate but with out the pressures of a relationship. They think like you, act like you, and love like you. You are compatible like crazy but not too much to where it gets suffocating. You don't just love them, you're in love with who they are. All of their flaws become unimportant, and you just see everything they don't like about themselves as another reason to love them more. You love the partd of each other that you both hate about yourselves. You might hate your body, but they think you are the most beautiful person they have ever met and don't mind sharing that openly. They might hate their mind, but you just believe that if they can continue to fight those internal battles everyday and keep fighting, then they are the strongest person on Earth.
Then you wake up one day amd notice shit changed. They don't call as much anymore, and if they do its short and not the same. It feels like they are being forced to be around you when it used to be their favorite thing to do. If you text them its like they check what you say but decide you aren't worth replying to. When you guys hang out, the connection that was once there just isn't there anymore. They don't respond to your presence the same way. The love is not gone, but its no longer growing.
The next day, you address the feelings that you have been getting from them. They don't try and deny it at all, or even make promises to fix it. They don't embrace you or say sorry about it. Not that they had to. You know you can't force them to do anything. You tell them how it makes you feel. They make the point that you aren't together, so why trip about it. You feel that feeling in your gut. Like a group of dragons are flying around in there. Your lungs are without air and you can't seem to get a breath. Like a fire has been set to your heart. You want to cry and scream that that shouldn't matter, but instead hold it in and agree. You can't get mad that they don't love you the same when that wasn't a requirement in the first place. You feel that little prick at the back of your eyes and blink it away. Like the strong person you are, you just move on and go back to smiling and keeping them happy.
After a while you start to distance yourself as well. You don't love them any less, but you don't want to keep feeling that hurt every time you think back to how you used to be. You notice that they have noticed your change in personality. You stop rushing to reply to their messages. You no longer want them in your space as much. The thought of being cuddled up to them and laughing about whatever comes to mind makes you uncomfortable now. Whenever they tell you that they love you now, it takes you longer to think to say it back. When you do, its like it doesn't have the same giddy affect on you.
As the years past, you guys barely speak. You send birthday messages on social media like strangers. At one time that was the first person you would call when you had any type of news. Now you wouldn't recognize their name if spoken to you. You both have forgotten that you planned to live like family. You wanted y'alls families to be family too, but not anymore. That time in your lives is over.

And that breaks your heart.

Ooh sis got deep. Yasss! Where'd that come from.

*Deep sadness that reaches to your very core that you keep choosing to ignore*

Anywho, I want to cry some stuff out. I don't know what stuff but some stuff. I don't want that lil bitch cry with the silent tears, or the ugly cry with the screaming. I want a good mix of both. Just a release of frustration and emotions that haven't been dealt with correctly. Where you start crying about one thing, then start crying about all the bad shit that has ever happened to you. Once you get done its like you're a whole new person..for a while. Until the nest time you need to let some shit off your chest.

Ooh how about eating your feelings? Can I get a hand clap for that?" Just kidding don't do that it can lead to eating disorders," I say pulling a snack cake out my snack drawer to eat so I won't cry yet. Anywho, yea eating my feelings, more importantly eating with tears running down your face. That was my day 1 feel better remedy espically in elementary school. Which was weird..since I used to hate my body then..hmm. I'd be eating full on plates of food, like a whole dinner, just bawling my lil eyes out. I would take a mouthful, swallow, then cry again. Okay I'm Low key laughing but its not funny.

Or when I wouldn't eat for days just because I didn't think I should. Not to get skinnier cause that shit doesn't work. I just hated myself enough to withhold food from myself because I didn't think I deserved it. It was something crazy. Or I would be so down in the dumps that I couldn't bring myself to live my room for a whole weekend to eat. I didn't always notice that I wasn't eating either.

If I was eating, best believe I was sleeping. I slept so long sometimes my mom got worried. She would tell me once I woke up that she tried to wake me several times but I just swouldnt budge or I would say something then roll over. Even after all of that I would still be fucking tired as shit. My mom brought up some months ago that I would come home from school and go straight to sleep, I wouldn't even eat a snack or dinner. I would wake up the next morning and repeat. I do that in cycles every few years I've noticed. I'm pretty sure if I got big enough mad tried hard enough that I could hibernate.

That reminds me of when I was younger and had sleep paralysis..yea we're gonna ignore those scary thoughts.

Before I forget, I got some shit I want these days. I want to be told that I'm beautiful which is weird cuz ion like being called beautiful because I feel like its a waste of time because I never believe people when they call me that. I think of myself as more of cute or sexy. I also want intimacy. I haven't had that in a while. Usually when I'm affectionate and intimate its a new relationship with someone and they are just getting used to my crazy ways of friendship. I want that friendship spark back. I mean I've felt it but its not the same excitement as before. I might just get more boy friends or something.

Also just in case I do something stupid one day. I do not want to do because I think the world will be better off without me in it. I wanted to die because I thought that it wouldn't matter in the world of I did. Now I don't know exactly why I want to die sometimes. I guess because the same sadness from my childhood has followed me and its discouraging, or that I don't exactly feel very appreciated by most people, or that I just want a break from life but once I'm gone I'm gone and that doesn't scare me or change my feelings.

Well I'm tired now. I will probably be back the next time I start thinking of ways that I could kill myself without leaving a big mess for my mom to clean up.

Ooh..that was dark.