This Is (Unfortunately)ME

6/27/2019

I'm Pushing Myself To Write This

"So that's it! You're just gonna leave?"

I ignored his yelling and continued packing my bags. I was done arguing with him about this. I was done fighting for something that wasn't there anymore.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING IGNORE ME! STOP FUCKING PACKING SO WE CAN FIX THIS!"

Great. Now the neighbors are going to overhear.

"What do you want me to do? You want me to stay then what? Am I going to magically be happy again once I decide to stay with you?" I asked calmly.

"Fuck you just dumped this on me without even a warning. How so you think that makes me feel Cleopatra? I come home and you're leaving me."

"You're NEVER HERE." I exclaimed loudly but a lot softer than him. I was not about to have a shouting match with him.

He didn't even try to deny it anymore.

I sighed shaking my head. I hugged myself, a habit I've picked up whenever I need to feel some affection. Some warmth. Even if it was from just myself.

"How can you expect a warning if you are never home anymore? It always feels like you'll use any excuse to not be around me. I feel neglected."

I laughed at that. The word choice was dramatic even to me.

"I am lonely. Always. I walk around with a huge weight on my chest because of it. It's like I always want to cry, but u can't even do that anymore. I've cried all my tears out at night when I wake up in the middle of the night to feel that your side if the bed is still cold."

"Baby-" He started on a bullshit excuse.

"Shut up! I'm not finished. You will stand there and listen to what I have to say!"

Yea got your punk ass quiet now nigga.

I laughed bitterly. To think this was all it took to get you to listen to me.

"It isn't much better when you are here though is it? Even when we're in the same room it's like you're a million miles away. You'd barge in the house like everything was just okay between us. I would reach put to you hoping for some comfort, some love. Nothing. I didn't give up on you though. To me, you had just had a bad day. Did you know I have bad days too? I would clean, cook, and go to work. Yet I would still come home to comfort you aanytime and every time you had a problem. All I wanted was some of the energy and effort I gave you to be returned without me having to go off or threaten to leave. You couldn't even do that."

He walked towards me to grab my hand. He yanked my body, so he could hug me.

I knew what he was doing.

He was using me for comfort again. And again, I let him.

"Look I'm sorry for whatever I've done. Just please don't leave me alone. You are the only person that has stayed with me. I love you so much and I know you love me. Just don't end this. Don't end us. I can give you time, however much time you need. Then we can talk about this and fix it. We can always fix it again."

We've done that before. We've done all of this before. It's an endless cycle that always ends with me being manipulated into staying because of the hope. Hope that things will change. That he will love me the same again. Hope that I will feel accepted by him again. Hope for us having a future together.

I felt light kisses being placed on my neck. Then the words 'I love you' were repeated several times.

"Get the fuck off me."

He was making me mad now. No. I wasn't mad I was over it. I believe that's even worse.

His eyes were even watery. Wow. He was really trying to sell this. I applaud his performance.

"W-why don't you want to fix this? You have to still love me. You are my-"

"Stop."

Don't call me that fucking name. You always do this when you want your way. Stop emotionally manipulating me. For fucking once.

His face went blank quicker than usual. He had already given up the desperate act and returned to being nonchalant. He couldn't even bother humoring me anymore.

"I've been stressed as fuck. Wwork has been hectic with me trying to get promoted before the end of the year. Then my sister just had a baby by herself. This is all too much to add on my shoulders. Even my therapist says things are going to be hard for everyone. You can't expect me to always be there for you every second of every day. Just suck it up and stop being so damn demanding for a second."

"Okay."

I grabbed my bags and headed for the stairs. I descended down the steps and towards my scary new start. Twelve steps. That was how far my happy life was from me for years. It was like a reverse stairway to heaven in a way.

"Wait! We didn't even finish talking."

I sighed standing near the big oak door. So close but so far, just like him and I.

"I'm tired. I'm heading to my new place to finally rest."

I wasn't physically tired, but emotionally and mentally I was spent. I didn't have it in me anymore to explain myself or try to make him understand.

He barged down the stairs. He tried to grab my arm but I gave him a look that let him know that wasn't a good idea.

He cleared his throat. "Why don't you stay here? Just take a nap and when you wake up we can talk about this rationally."

Rationally? That word isn't even in your dictionary.

"Why waste my time. We both know that if I were to stay as soon as I wake up you'll try to act as though everything is fine and dandy. You'll make a routine of being good to me just to break it when you feel I've changed my mind about everything."

"Come on you know me. You know I won't do you like that."

"Do I though? I've tried to get to know you again. I've tried so many times but you just wouldn't put in any effort. I was doing it all by myself. I was the one reaching out, asking to talk, carrying conversations. I'm done doing this all by my lonesome. I've tried to communicate how I felt for months. I would tell you I was lonely or that I wanted some sort affection. I tried to work around your schedule, only asking for your time when I knew you had some to spare. And what did I get back? Lots of 'not right now', ' I'm too tired', 'something came up', 'I can't satisfy your clinginess right now'. Sometimes I really fucking needed you and you weren't there. You were never there. After that I just stopped trying to communicate because you were never gonna respond to me or anything I did. Now I'm really done."

I shrugged like I wasn't ending one of the best, most excruciatingly painful relationships I ever had.

I touched his face and gave him a proper goodbye kiss. I didn't even feel like same butterfly feeling in my tummy anymore. I felt nothing.

And that was perfect to me. I didn't need to regret my decision.

"I love you." He whispered, his breath fanning my face.

I smiled and moved away.

"I'll send for the rest of my things."

Everything was brighter now. The air was fresh, colors were bright, and the people were nicer.

I died less than ten months later after finding a lump in my right breast. I had refused any type of treatment of any kind for cancer. No one thought I was being rational, but I knew what I wanted.

No regrets though. Not anymore.