This Is (Unfortunately)ME

2/27/19

Ayeeeee its sad bitch hours and I'm feeling vulnerable to lets get it.✌

So today I been thinking that I need some new friends ya heard. Like my Half is busy working and getting to her bag. Plus it seems like I've just not been feeling our interactions as much lately, but to be fair I've been a bit distant. And my Karebear is out doing whatever she be doing so I can't ask more of her. I can barely get a hold off her, but I can't be mad cuz I have to understand. I should have known that two friends will not hold my needy attention seeking ass.

I have no nigga friends so I might need to work on that soon.

New girl Rosa is cute or whatever, but she is in 10th grade and band so she got her own groups. Plus I just don't see us getting too close like best bitches or anything like that. We still cool as hell no cap. Also her name isn't Rosa but it is now because I said so.

I fucked up when I cut off most of my acquaintances. Them people held a bitch over till my close friends had the time. The thing about acquaintances though is that they can't hold a fucking conversation for long. Or the only conversations we can hold are about some mess or sex..which I ain't mad at. That shit is fun and I like to distract myself with fun.

But I want an in depth conversation bro. Like talking about society and the things people are afraid to talk about. I want to talk about the LGBTQ community, sex but on a different scale, how this generation will raise their kids so different from past generations, beauty standards. Stimulating shit like that. I want to be attracted to a person's mind again.

That might be why I haven't had a crush in almost a year. No one can stimulate me mentally anymore because I have changed mentally. Like I'm really with that "Stimulate me mentally and my body will follow" type shit now. I was about it before but now I'm on it heavily. I haven't had a conversation that wasn't a rant in so long. I miss that shit high key.

I'm starting to feel like my old self. Like elementary and middle school me. Yesterday was a good example. To make it short, I was angry. I was angry at damn near nothing. I wanted to fight anyone if they even breathed hard near me. My temper was on some other shit for no reason. I felt the constant irritation, my muscles were tense, and I wouldnt smile for shit. When I was "happy" it was genuine at all. I kept thinking that I need some release of all the sudden stress and anger, but I had no idea how to let it all out without making someone cry, actually no that's what I wanted to do. I did feel the "pros" though. My feelings were numb somewhat and I didn't feel like I was vulnerable seeing as the only reaction I would probably give was anger. I felt more in control of the space around me. I am usually so busy emjoying the moment and shit that I let myself lose control and I forgot how much I hated that. With less time being emotional, I could go back to observing the space around me and feeling that sense of calmness and poise I usually possess. Almost like a sense of power of others that let themselves get caught up in that moment. Ew I really sound like 12 year old me.

Younger me would call me childish and ignorant. I would have to agree to some extent becausse I have been acting more childish, but I always justify myself by saying that I never allowed myself to actually be a kid when I was younger so I'm acting my age while I still can. Younger me always wanted to grow up fast so she could get her own money and run away from her issues in life. She wanted to have her own and leave to forget about her family that she just couldn't bond with like other families did.

Younger me was a fucking bitch. No capp. I still am one, but I like to think I've gotten better with my insensitivity. I care-sometimes- about how other people feel. Only certain people even get a reaction out of me. I still have to rethink my reactions a few times because it doesn't match the situation. To this day, a close friend of mine could tell me that their favorite grandparent just died and I'd still struggle with not just telling them "damn that's crazy but people die though". I just can't help it. Its how I've conditioned myself to react to shit. I don't give over the top reactions, and if I do it might be a bit forced. I wanna make people happy, so if I think a more flamboyant reaction will do that than so be it.

But I miss my chill and melancholy self, even just a little. She is about to be resurfacing a lot more now that I agreed that this new personality shit ain't working well enough yet. Only bad thing is that ion think that the current people around me will be as attracted to my attitude like people were when I was younger..fuck it. Take it or leave it. Either way I don't care anymore because I'm graduating next year anyway. I won't talk to majority of these people anyway.

Also I'm sleeping like hpw I used to do. Yesterday, to make sure I don't go on a rampage, I slept for 12 hours. It felt good ass hell. I only some up for maybe 1 minute at a time to turn over or reply to people. I woke up at 1 in the morning to let the dog get some food. I felt bad cuz he had been trapped in the room with me for so long. I wnated to eat but I wasn't hungry. That is how I knew what was up. Whenever I sleep for that long and dont get an appetite it means I'm about to fuck up my sleep schedule. I have never been more excited to wreck myself before. I wanted to go for 13 hours today but I forgot. Also I've been eating like a fucking gerbil so this explains it.

I binge during the day and sleep half the day away. Now that I think about it, I was stuffing any food I could get my hands on all Tuesday. I was being a beseeching ass bitch no lie. I wasn't even hungry but I had to have already known that I was gonna oversleep. I ate a lil bit today but not enough to actually sleep for that long without waking up from hunger. It's kind of pitiful that the best rest I've had in years is after damn near hibernating. But hey its my cycle. I do this every new level of school I go into. I was waiting on it.

1 sad bitch hour down. 2 more to go.

Don't wanna kill myself but don't wanna live my life. I will call it a good even score.