This Is (Unfortunately)ME

4/7/2019

I've had a revelation of sorts. I have notuced that I talk too much. Like I really need to be quiet sometimes. My words are becoming just words when they used to mean something to people-to myself.

I have had times where I'm talking and I just stop to think "ion know what I'm saying, I'm really just talking to talk." I need to chill on all that talking shit. It hasn't been doing me any good nor bad.

I never used to talk much. It would be a rarity that I would speak up in school or public places. In turn that made the few words I did speak mean so much more I think. I can still remember the looks on people's faces when I spoke to them for the first time. It wasn't a good reaction, more like relieved that I wasn't planning to kill them or myself

Little did they know

Anyway now I think I'm going to return to my roots even more. I can't change my personality- trust me I've tried - but I can try to bring back old habits. My voice used to be a prize I feel like. Now I just give it away to everyone around me.

My expressions and actions should be the most important thing of the two. They used to be. I want them to be again. I could demand attention and respect from anybody with just one look and a couple of words. Now it isn't the same. I want it to be again.

My silence should be just as respected as my noise.

It seems like those around me are thinking that I talk for my health. To be honest, they might be right. I have been talking for way too long and not listening enough.

Song lyrics don't mean as much because I sing them more than I listen to them. Conversations with friends don't satisfy me because I'm the main one talking but I still feel like I have too much to say.

I'm considering not talking as much anymore. Like no phone calls unless it's an emergency. Shorter text messages instead of long ass paragraphs with no point. Also I'm thinking that good morning messages are getting on my last nerve, I might just trade them for 'gn' messages just to let people know I'm still alive.

I wanna distance myself a little more from my friemds and family cuz I think I got too close. Too comfortable. Too attached. Too invested. Too weak.

Now I'm not saying I won't be nice, just less present. Unless needed.

I gotta give these people time to miss me. You should feel excited to talk to your loved ones, not obligated. I haven't felt the same excitement and I feel like those around me haven't either. Something needs to change.

Also I need to cry but it won't come out. Everytime I start to set the mood-😂- I get distracted. I need one of those painful cries that make my back feel like it's on fire. One that gives me the shakes and almost causes me to have a panic attack. One that makes me happy that I'm in the dark, so I know no one can see me. One that causes me to cry about all the things I been holding in for months but never brought up because I don't think my own feelings matter.

Ooh crazy Bitch break

It was going to storm really soon. My hair was down. Again. It kept getting messed up by the wind. Michael would blow a fuse if he knew I was out in this weather. Oh well.

I decided I would walk to the park because I was feeling down all of a sudden. I wanted to cry a little, but I couldn't do it at my house. I woyod rather die than let one of those motherfuckers in my house know I cry human tears.

I kept walking until I heard the sound of gravel under my busted converse. I looked around to see a couple of white soccer moms, a gang of wannabe thugs, and a dad with his daughter.