First off, fuck Valentine's day. There it is I said it. It's a made up holiday anyway.
Anywho..*lip pop*
I've had this thought before now I can't avoid it any longer. I truly, deeply believe that every person on earth has some type of artistic talent. Now I know that doesn't seem very important- none of the shit I say ever is.
But for real, its so true. For instance I have my writing. Like I can write almost anything once I get a taste of inspiration. My Bestie has her singing with her heavenly voice. My Other half has her cheerleading which I do consider an art. Then my twin has her dancing. Every body has something they are good at that isn't just scholastic.
WE INTERRUPT THE IRREGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING...
It's past 7 so it's my sad bitch hours. 7 o'clock is officially sad bitch hours. I'm not about to be staying up past ten anymore cause y'all want to be sad when y'all families are sleeping. A bitch gave herself a bed time of nine o- fucking clock. Period. No tampon.
Anyway what sad thoughts are back to haunt me tonight? Hmm.
I want to kill myself a little, but honestly when do I not want to?
That's like a deadass question. I'm really thinking of the fact that almost every second of every day I cut to having a thought of either wishing I was dead or wondering what would happen if I was. When I was in elementary I would cry myself to sleep because God wouldn't kill me at that moment. I can't figure out why I was so sad. I was bullied sure but not that bad to where I should have mated myself that much. Now I don't hate myself really. More of disliking some parts of my personality that still won't change no matter how many times I try and change them.
I go to sleep at night hoping that I'll go to sleep and stay that way for a while at least. Like a long sleep where if my mom tried to wake me, she wouldn't get more than me turning over on my side. I want to just wake up in the morning fully energized.
Ooh before I forget. I started to write today because I wanted to organize my own thoughts on something near and dear to my cold black heart. My sexuality.
So currently I identify as Pansexual. This is so funny cuz I have to look up what a pansexual is every once in a while just to make sure it still applies to me and my preferneces. So I checked..
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Yep. Still applies to me.
Crazy thing is that before I had a word for it I would just go around saying "I have a type, not a preference", but when I mentioned my type it was always something about boys. I hadn't yet fully explored the way that girls would make me feel. I knew I liked girls. I just didn't know what type of girl I liked. I just assumed that since I liked every thing then the gender identity wouldn't matter as long as they were a certain type of person.
I thought that by adding a title would make my sexuality seem less..mine, but I can't deny the fact that being pansexual is somehow a large part in how I carry myself and care for other people.
I've said before that I give love with no intention to receive any back. I think my need to spread love my fuel my being pansexual instead of just bisexual. My love is for everybody. My little stupid ass is always thinking shit like "I just wanna love you". My physical attraction isn't just sexual, its also intimate and a connecting of energies..
..my God I sound like a hippie..
..but yea I just want to spread my good vibes and comfort which may result in me feeling romantic feels for every gender and race.
Not to get me confused with demisexual. I defiantly do not have to feel love for someone before my Tsunami starts thinking if ways to drown them. Even I get a lil dazed when I see a fat ass walking in front of me..*thinks of some girl's ass that I will never forget*..I digress.
I'm really trying to figure me out. I like everything but- you know what I'm making a list.
Boys- my first few kisses were with boys, waste if my time. I'm usually attracted to boys sexually. Only relationship I was in was with a boy, again waste of my fucking time. I do very much like dick. Though, boys aren't easy enough to talk to. Plus most times the boys in attracted to aren't mature yet.
Girls-most of my kisses were with girls, much better than guys. I'm more comfortable with them. They are relatable as fuck. I am more likely to be attracted to a girl's mind than body. The first person to touch me with my verbal consent was a girl. I do very much like pussy. Though I don't like dealing with too much emotion, and I'm super picky when it comes to girls.
Wow that was hard cuz I had to think way far back and I barely remember what I did yesterday. I guess I'm just complex. I have history with both sexes but that doesn't even include how I have a great deal of understanding for non gender binary individuals. That all comes back to how I want to give love. I couldn't count them out just because they identify as niether.
I think on some scale a lot of people can understand what its like to not feel like a boy or a girl. We just feel like us. Lately I've been thinking about what I really wanted my identity to be gender wise, and I concluded that I am a full on girl. Nothing, more nothing less. That's what I am and what I want to be.
Though I have been thinking "am I more submissive or dominant in a relationship?"
Before it was an easy answer. When I'm with dudes it was "yes if course I want my nigga to tell me what to do." With girls I had no answer but I was more used to both of us sharing some of that control.
Now I think it's that way for boys also. I want to let myself be led every once and a while but I also want to be in control because I know I can. No one person should carry the full role of being dominant or submissive.
Like that whole thing with same sex relationships with asking "so who is the boy or girl in the relationship?" Like obviously they both are. One can be a more dominant individual but that shouldn't take away from the other person's authority in their own damn relationship. They both wear the pants in that bitch.
Like with me, I like calling people daddy just as much as the next bitch. I also like being called daddy because of the feeling it gives to my ego. No shame in saying it. Anyone can be daddy basically.
Imagine this, a girl and guy are having sex. The girl is on top, but the boy is doing most of the work. Now the girl is making the guy feel so good that she gets him to call her daddy. All the while he was making the movements happen. So who was really in charge? Trick question, both of them were. Nothing is really just black or white.
Anyway I'm tired, thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
