Love Me Again

Chapter 14- Pity

A/N- This chapter contains depressive thoughts and mentions of self-harm and suicide. Do not read if you do not want to.

Dan's POV-

Worthless. What were you without Phil? You were worthless what's what. And he doesn't remember you.

"Yes he does." I murmured, hiding my face from Phil's stare. I looked stupid talking to myself so I closed my eyes and listened to the voice in my head.

What, he only remembers when you first met. You weren't as close then, Danny boy. You loved him... but he did not love you. Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe he has never loved you and this new Phil only kissed you out of pity? Have you ever thought that all he ever did for you was out or pity? Because someone like you doesn't deserve someone like him. Where would you be now if you had never met Phil, eh? Tell me. Speak to me Daniel.

"Dead." I whispered, remembering five minutes before Phil had replied to my Tweet. I had sent it to him, a last one, and I had climbed onto the room from the attic and stood on the edge, peering down at the ground below. I had taken a breath, put one foot over the edge, and my phone had bleeped in my pocket. I had quickly looked at it, my breaths rushing out of my mouth and tears soaking my face, and when I had saw that actual Phil Lester had replied to my Tweet for the first time ever I had squealed, wiped my eyes and went back to my room, unable to believe what I had been about to do. I had never told Phil any of this; he did not need to know. "I'd be dead."

You should've died that day. That was the date you were supposed to die. Why not try again? Phil doesn't remember much. He won't be affected.

"He loves me." I sniffed, receiving another strange look from Phil. But did he really? Or had he done it out of pity? Had he done everything out of pity? My thoughts continued to tell me it was pity and by the time the film we were watching had finished I was trembling. Not another panic attack, please, not another one, I begged and ran into the kitchen to get a glass of water as my head was spinning. I could hear Phil calling after me, asking if I was alright, but over his voice was the deafening cackle of my darkest thoughts, feeding me poison. "Shut up!" I screamed at it, dropping the glass onto the floor. Phil came running in, face a blanket of worry, and took my hands into his.

"What is it, bear?" He asked, drawing circles on my palm. At the mention of the nickname he gave me long ago and always called me, the thoughts dissolved and I froze, sobbing. Bear. He remembered. "No? You don't like bear? I was trying it out-"

"You always call me bear." I croaked. "Because I loved Winnie the Pooh. Do you remember?"

Phil shrugged. "It just sounds right. But seriously, are you ok?" He glanced at the broken glass on the floor and the thin trail of water running from it. My bare feet were wet and the chill spread over my body, but other than that everything was silent in my mind. The silence was deafening. "Dan, talk to me." He took my shoulder in one of his hands and pulled me towards him. His arms went around me and I was wrapped in his warm embrace, thinking about how he may pity me. Surely that wasn't true...

"I'm cold." I told him, kicking the shards of glass with my foot despite being barefoot. Phil only hummed and tightened his arms, but not to tight as to suffocate me. I found it pretty strange that we were hugging in the kitchen with glass right next to us and water soaking our feet, but I did not move because I had missed this; I had missed Phil's arms and his warmth and his smile and his voice and him. And I still missed the Phil I knew.

Phil's POV-

I had to let go of Dan eventually, and when I did he shivered and began to cry again. I went to pull him into another hug but he stepped back and shook his head at me. I frowned, confused. "Dan? What's wrong?"