Heaven On Fire

Twelve

Nararamdaman ko na nagsisimula na akong malasing. Umiikot na ang paningin ko. Kaya panandalian muna akong umupo sa sofa umaasang mahimasmasan kahit paano. Pero inabutan pa din ako ng baso ni Kurt na may lamang champagne.

"Damn, you really an attractive woman." Biglang sabi ni Kurt. Kumuha siya ng isang plaka sa ilalim ng room cabinet. And he played it.

Gosh, Queen.

Our first embrace was hurried, fumbled, passionate.

"Kurt," I said, my two hands now on either side of his waist underneat the coat, the gauzy cover barely a veil between them. "Think of what you're doing."

"I'm tired of thinking," he said. His hair was neatly arranged on his head. Kurt blinked as he looked at me. Marvelous, dangerous, wild.

"Your fiance," I said.

"Let me kiss you," he said. "Please."

He kissed my forehead hard and closed his eyes. I took his hand and placed it on my breast. He whispered in my ear. His rage, his loss, his despair. The whole life lost tumbling out in an arc on that roof, clogging up his being. He needed me and I was there for him.

I pushed him back into the stucco surface of the wall as we kissed, and he held me on to his as if on the other side of his kiss, I was hoping there could be a temporary haven for both of us.

On my way home from the primary, I would sometimes stop at the edge of our property and watch my mother ride the ride-on mower, looping in and out among the calabur trees, and I could remember then how she used to whistle in the mornings as she made her tea and how my father, rushing home on Thursdays, would bring her sunflower and her face would light up yellowly in delight. They had been deeply, separately, wholly in love.

I had played a hide-and-seek game of love with my mother as I grew up, courting her attention and approval in a way that I had never had to with my late father.

*****

When I returned to U.S. in the middle spring of 2034, I was astonished by the news that Benjamin's parents wanted to meet me. We flew all the way to Michigan. Laking pasasalamat ko nang tumigil ang sasakyan namin.

"Nandito na ba tayo?" Tanong ko na puno ng pagkainip. May tumigil na sasakyan sa harap namin at lumabas ang mga ito.

Mabilis akong lumabas sa sasakyan. Humingi ako ng malalim at tinapik-tapik ang dibdib ko. Lumabas na din si Kurt. Nagtama ang mga mata namin. He then looked at me and put his sunglasses and smiled at me.

Daglian ko namang iniwas ang tingin ko. "Loren, halika na." Inialok ni Kurt ang kamay niya sa'kin. Sa paghawak ko sa mainit niyang palad, naibsan ang kaba ko papasok sa Lake Charlevoix Mansion.

"Welcome back, Sir." his butler said. Kakaripas na sana ako ng lakad nang may pumigil sa braso ko. Ramdam ko kaagad na kay Benj ang kamay na yun. His hand on her shoulder was warm and it felt nice.

"Don't walk too fast. Madulas ang sahig. Baka madapa ka. Dadamay mo pa si little Benjamin eh." Pasimple kong inagaw ang braso ko. Mas lalong lumala ang kuryenteng dumadaloy sa katawan ko galing kay Benj.

Wala akong imik habang hinahantay na bumaba ang mga magulang ni Benjamin. Gusto ko sanang makipag-usap kay Benj or magmasid sa ganda ng bahay pero hindi ko magawa. Dama kong nakatingin sa'kin si Benj. Hindi ko alam kung bakit titig na titig siya sa'kin. Wala namang dumi sa mukha ko.

Ilang saglit pa ay bumaba na ang mga magulang niya. Sa pagbaba nila ay kaagad akong nginitian ng mommy ni Benjamin.

"What can we offer to you, ah, what's your name?" Mabilis akong nag-angat ng tingin sa nagtanong. "Perhaps, a tea?"