Heaven On Fire

Fourteen

I got a call from Kurt. He landed Detroit at early seven 'o clock. This was the last day before the big day. Benjamin was too busy taking care of the necessary papers.

*****

My mother had met my father when they were both working in Manila Times during the summer break from college. Mama just made a nasty comments how the employer's lounge reeked of cigarettes when daddy smiled and brought out his then-habitual pack of Marlboro.

"Touché," she said, and she stayed beside him despite the reeking stink of his cigarettees enveloping her from head to toe.

*****

"I've been trying to copy your look on your wedding day," I said, "Paano ba maging perfect ang itsura kagaya mo, Ma?"

"I've always thought you looked like me," she said.

"Ma?"

"Yes."

"Do you think I will be perfect for tomorrow?"

She stared at me from head to toe before even spoke a word.

"There is no doubt in my mind, honey. None."

"Then why I think I am not?"

I drew the razor sloppily up and finished her leg. I hesitated there, waiting.

"Hush! May tiwala ka naman sa'kin diba?" she said, the words coiling out of her. We had never talked at length, at least, about personal preferences in life.

"When you get out of this world, through my vulva, kahit masakit at nakakahingal. Yung unang beses na nakita kita na namumula-mula pa and puffy ang cheeks eh walang mapagsidlan ang tuwa ko nun. Kaya naman, sure ako na once na nakatapak ka na sa unang step papuntang altar, perfect yun."

"You're kind of weird today, ma. Okay ka lang ba?"

"Oo. Dapat maging okay ako. Kasal na bukas ng prinsesa ko eh," she said. "Relax ka lang. For sure, the wedding would be an event beyond compare."

"Sure yan ha?"

"Oo. Ikaw pa ba?"

"I love you, ma." I said, looking at her eyes.

"I love you most."

*****

Nakaidlip ako sa sofa nung gisingin ako ni mama. "Tara, puntahan natin yung magiging office ng company niyo." she said. Di na ako nakatanggi dahil hinila niya ako. "Bihis na, dali!"

For a week the whole family of Benjamin were busy on the wedding preparations. Tapos na din kami makapili ng wedding gown kahapon. Gusto kong magpahinga for today's video. But sadly, I had to agree to be with my mom. And to show my support to my husband to be, ako na ang makikipag-usap dun sa uupahan naming office space sa Grand Rapids.

Pwede pa naman akong tumakas para di matuloy 'to eh. Nakaka-overwhelmed naman kasi. Lahat okay na. Nakakahiya lang. And so, while nasa sa isa pang guest room si mama, umakyat ako sa kwarto para magbihis. Contract signing yun ng operating leasing. Kaya dapat maganda ang isusuot ko na formal.

Inside the room, I was looking for the right dress. I saw the dress na sinuot ko nung araw na nalaman ni Francis na buntis ako. I began to itch. It had been a year now, but he still remained on my mind. Matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita. Wala na din akong balita sa kanya.

Occasionally, lagi ko pa din nahuhuling nakatingin sa'kin si Hubert, and everyone would give him a questioning stare. He had a thousand lines to give them like "Mamimiss ko kase si Loren." "Kamukhang-kamukha talaga siya ni Lorie." He knew to ground whatever he said in connection to some father-like attachments to me, and everyone would smile at him. If they were just close enough, those people could see, through his eyes, what I saw—his wild and bottomless lust.