Sam, texting: Hey, can you pick me up? I'm drunk.
Sam: Oh, you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.
Kat: Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home
———
Colby: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Jake: Wow, you could've started with "good morning."
Colby: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you?
———
Colby: I was arrested for being too cool.
Kat: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.
———
Sam: What's wrong Jake?
Jake, taking a drag from a cigarette: My sketchers don't light up anymore, its quite depressing.
———
Kat: Damnit Colby!
Colby: What?! Why are you blaming me?!
Kat: Sorry, force of habit. Damnit Sam!
Sam: It wasn't me either!
Kat: Then who set the gas station on fire?!
Jake, whistling while rocking back and forth: ...
———
Sam: Why are you like this?
Colby: I used too much 'No More Tears' shampoo as a child and haven't got a single emotion since then.
———
Colby: How would you rate your pain?
Sam: Zero stars, would NOT recommend.
———
Jake: I've been home by myself for about 36 hours now and I've successfully flopped on every piece of furniture at least twice and also learned I can play simple guitar melodies while lying on my back!
Tara: Uh-huh and what have you been eating all day?
Jake: ...look being home alone is a journey of discovery, I'm finding myself, I don't have time for that.
———
Colby: *is sleeping*
Jake: *sneaks up to try and scare him*
Colby: *calmly opens eyes, slaps Jake, and goes back to sleep*
———
Seth: Go to hell.
Colby: Man, I wish I could.
———
Sam: Look, sometimes you have to fulfill the higher tiers of your pyramid of needs. Okay?
Colby: And that's why you're wearing sunglasses in the bathtub eating chicken nuggets out of a wine glass?
Sam: See, now you're getting it. Could you hand me that box of Capri Suns?
———
Colby: You read my diary?
Kat: At first I didn't know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
———
Jake: *signs legal document with a glitter gel pen*
———
{after winning an award}
Colby: Well, first of all, we'd like to think Kian and JC, our best friends, for telling us that KnJ would win so we didn't bother writing a speech.
———
Jake, gesturing emphatically: And that's how she ends up becoming a master assassin! Pretty cool right?
Tara: Yeah that's great, but I asked you where you left the car keys.
Jake: Oh riiiiiight....that.
———
Sam: Are you mad?
Colby: No.
Sam: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is a hobby?
———
Jake, peeling a banana: May I take your jacket, sir? *laughs*
Sam: Do you think other people can't hear you?
———
Nate: You disgust me.
Seth, eating a KitKat sideways: I realize this and don't care.
———
Colby: Bold of you to assume I'm funny. I'm just brutally honest.
Sam: No one asked.
Colby: Well that was rude.
Sam: Well I was just being honest.
———
Kat: You have to apologize to Colby.
Sam: Fine.
Sam to Colby: Unfuck you or whatever.
———
Jake: I think turtles are a big threat to our national security.
Corey: May I ask why?
Jake: No.
———
Sam: I trusted you!
Colby: Why?
———
Jake: Name one time I haven't been professional.
Colby: You're holding a juice box right now.
Jake: It's keeping me from spilling my juice.
———
Tara: What are your goals?
Jake: To pet all the dogs.
Tara: No, fitness goals.
Jake: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.
———
Sam to Colby: Why do you have nothing but a Butterfinger wrapper in your wallet?
———
*printing essays back in high school*
Colby: Why is yours four pages long?
Sam: I have a lot of DIALOGUE
———
Colby: I parted my hair down the middle.
Kat: You look like an e-girl.
———
Sam: I left my water bottle in science yesterday and now I'm scared to drink it because I'm scared someone poisoned it.
———
Seth: Oh be careful on those steps! Four people have already slipped on them today!
Nate, slips: FIVE PEOPLE!
———
Kat: Where's Colby?
Sam: It's raining out, maybe he melted.
———
Colby: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.
Jake, wide eyed: I know what I saw.
———
Colby: I have a hypothetical question.
Kat: Okay, shoot.
Colby: Well, uh, how would you feel if somebody just so happened to, um, very definitely accidentally,
*loud crash and Sam yelling*
Colby: ...put Vaseline all over the floor?
Kat, leaving: You're so in your own for this one.
———
Jake: Why is it so hot here?
Sam: We're in California, ya dingus.
Jake: Yeah, but like it's hotter than it's normally hot-
Sam: wE'rE iN cAlIfOrNiA, yA dInGus.
———
*Colby, blowing on a Whiteclaw*
Sam: Did you just blow on that?
Colby: No, I just exhaled the bad energy.
———
Tara: What's your favorite chapstick flavor?
Jake, zoned out: Sour cream.
———
Sam: Could you be more annoying?
Corey: Yes.
———
Kat: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
———
Jake: Look! I made a spoon hat!
Sam: That explains why I had to eat my soup with a fork.
———
Colby: I'm not being weird. Am I being weird?
Jake: Yes, and that's coming from me.
———
YOU ARE READING
XPLR
FanfictionGod I swear this one is going to be more organized and hopefully way better. And to clarify, all of this is platonic. I do not ship them romantically, I believe they are each other's platonic soulmate and if you have a problem with that then leave.
