Sam: Do I smell something burning?
Colby: Just my love and desire for you.
Jake: Guys, the fucking toaster is on fire.
———
Sam: HELP! I TOLD COLBY I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!
Jake, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?
———
Colby: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Sam: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.
Colby: Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!
———
Sam and Colby*walking by the mall*
Colby: hey look at that anti gay mob over there
Sam: what about them?
Colby: lets go up there and kiss in front of them to infuriate them *shit eating grin*
Sam: *trips on his own foot*
———
Sam, holding a python: Guys, I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him?
Colby: You did what?!
Jake: William Snakespeare.
———
*loud thudding noise*
Colby, sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose: What was that?
Sam: A box fell down the stairs.
Colby: That sounded a lot louder than just a box.
Sam: Jake was in it.
———
Sam: WHY. Why did you give Colby a KNIFE?!
Tara: He said he felt unsafe.
Sam: Now I feel unsafe!
Tara:
Tara: ... would you like a knife?
———
Sam: What do you think Tara will do for a distraction?
Jake: She'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.
*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*
Colby: ... or she could do that.
———
Sam: *Stubs his toe* FUCK!
Sam's mom: Mind your language!
Sam: What else am I supposed to say, "Woe is I"???
Sam's mom: ...
Sam: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.
———
Colby: What did you do with the body?
Jake: What didn't I do with the body?
Colby:
Jake: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the corpse respectfully.
——-
YOU ARE READING
XPLR
FanfictionGod I swear this one is going to be more organized and hopefully way better. And to clarify, all of this is platonic. I do not ship them romantically, I believe they are each other's platonic soulmate and if you have a problem with that then leave.
