i really loved him

chapter 28

May/June – Things were strange for a long time.

Dumbledore had called all four Marauders to his office the evening afterwards and told them that Snape had promised to keep Remus' lycanthropy a secret, at which point James was too busy melting with relief to ask why on earth Snape would agree to that. This meant that Remus could continue on at Hogwarts, still heading to the Shack every month for his transformations.

Remus and Sirius were no longer speaking. Well, Remus wasn't. Sirius, on the other hand, attempted an apology roughly every five minutes; making zero progress and being essentially told to fuck off each time.

James didn't blame Remus in the slightest for that. It was clear from the look on his face when he found out what had happened, and from the crack in his voice when he told Sirius to leave, and from the way tears formed so rapidly in his eyes the moment he did, that the trust between his two friends was broken. Perhaps forever. Because of Sirius' betrayal.

Horrible silences filled any room in which the two of them existed at once, which truthfully wasn't a lot because Remus took to pointedly leaving any time Sirius entered. And when being in each other's presence was completely inescapable, Remus barely even looked at him.

That took a toll. In public, Sirius became louder and cockier than ever, romping around the halls and speaking at the top of his lungs about how great he was. But James saw him when they were alone in the dorm, when he strongly resembled a lost puppy in his misery and loneliness without Remus.

Whilst he himself was also still furious, James didn't subject Sirius to the same silent treatment, and neither did Peter. Like James had hastened to explain to Dumbledore, his actions weren't by any means unprovoked. After sitting Sirius down and demanding that he provide more details about exactly what had happened that night, why he had done what he did, James felt he had a firmer grasp of it all.

Apparently, Snape had cornered Sirius before dinner. Or Sirius had cornered Snape – really, that part could have gone either way. Regardless, wands had been drawn almost immediately and Snape had started claiming that he already knew Remus' secret, threatening to tell everyone as soon as he got proof. Which wasn't new. But there was more.

"He said he was going to find Moony," Sirius said quietly, looking down and fiddling with his hands as they sat on James' bed in the otherwise empty dorm. "Said he'd created this new spell that would convince him to confess, or something." He glanced up at James then, face hardening with anger. "Snivellus was going to hurt him, Prongs."

"Shit..."

"And I know that doesn't make it okay," he added quickly. "What I did, I mean. I should've been expelled. Worse than that, probably. But... I wanted to hurt him first – before he could."

"And you used Remus to do that," James muttered.

"I know. Fuck, I'm such an idiot." Sirius shook his head. "I've tried to say sorry and he won't listen. I wouldn't if I was him, but I don't know what to do. Don't know how to—" he gestured helplessly in the air. "—make it better.

"...What if he never forgives me, Prongs?"

There was such a desperate look in his eyes that James' heart softened. It was often that he forgave Sirius' actions too easily, he knew that. This time, however, he seemed so genuinely remorseful and ashamed that James felt it fair to advise him. Try to help his friends reunite.

"He might not," he said slowly. "And he doesn't have to. 'Cause what you did was really shit."

Sirius nodded earnestly.

"But right now," James went on. "You've got to give him space, mate. You can't take any of it back, so there's no point in keeping on apologising. He knows you're sorry. He doesn't need you to say it any more, alright?"