i really loved him

chapter 43

Monday, 21st February, 17:03 – For once, James had attended Remus' study group. His friend had been evidently surprised to see him there, but pleased as well. He felt a bit bad about that.

Afterwards, when everybody left, James stayed to help him pack away all of his teacher-y stuff: textbooks, parchment, the mini blackboards they'd been practicing writing spells on. Sirius had offered to stay with him too, but he'd declined. James wanted to prove to himself that he could do it alone, he realised. So when they were alone in the room, he just went ahead and blurted out that he was queer. At first, Remus looked at him with a smile spreading across his face.

"That... explains a lot, actually."

"What d'you mean?" James frowned. "What does it explain?"

"Prongs," Remus sighed. "You've been pointing out good-looking blokes for me in the corridors for months."

"I was just trying to find you love!" James protested. "...But fair enough."

Still grinning, Remus plonked his books down and came over to hug him.

"Cheers for telling me, James," he said gently. "I know it's scary."

"Yeah, it bloody is," he mumbled into Remus' shoulder. "Moony, don't tell Padfoot, but you give the best hugs. Ever."
"God, I won't," Remus chuckled. "He'd never shut up about it. Speaking of Padfoot, do the others know? D'you need me to keep my mouth shut?"

"Nah. Told Sirius last night and I'm talking to Peter later, I reckon. Get it over with."

"Mmm. Good plan, as long as you're ready."

Letting go, Remus went back to packing his mountain of books away.

"So," he said casually. "Lily hasn't complained about you in knitting club as much recently—"

"She does what?"

"—That because you fancy someone else?" Remus asked.

He was clearly enjoying his revenge from when James proved himself master pesterer in the field of love.

"Nope," James replied, way too quickly.

"Yes you bloody do," Remus smiled, but then it faded slightly. "Is it Sirius?"

"No," James told him exasperatedly. "I mean, he asked that too. But no. I do not fancy Padfoot."

"Right... Well, I s'pose you don't have to tell me who it is, then."

"Yeah, I'm not going to," James grinned. "Um, I wanted to ask you something, if you don't mind."

"Go ahead."

"I was wondering if you've ever maybe fancied a girl a bit?"

Remus looked up from the desk.

"Is this about Lily?"

"Yeah," James sighed.

"I haven't," Remus said slowly. "But you can. Love everyone, I mean."

Love everyone. Such a beautiful way of putting it, James thought, and he'd never considered it that way before. That was what it felt like. He could just love anyone and everyone and it didn't have to matter.

"I read a book a while ago," Remus went on, hitching his bag over one shoulder as they walked out of the room together. "It's a Virginia Woolf one – she's a Muggle author. The main character has affairs with men and women throughout. You can borrow it, if you want."

Of course Remus would offer him a book.

"Yeah, alright," James said brightly. "Cheers, Moony."

20:10 – After dinner, Remus and Sirius were both happy to be kicked out of the dorm so that James could talk to Peter.