i really loved him

chapter 54

Friday, 1st July - There had been another dream that same night. A bad one, or worse than usual, at least. Half an hour had passed before Regulus stopped trembling, and even then, in the morning, James could tell he had hardly managed any more sleep.

They had one more day. One more day until they would have to say goodbye in a cupboard somewhere, before boarding the Hogwarts Express and reaching the station and acting like nothing had happened and being apart, with only their letters to comfort them, for six weeks.

Unless, James thought, he could try just once more to convince Regulus to come and live with him. To escape.

18:00 - He waited until after their Friday Quidditch date, wanting to relish the time they could spend together and see Regulus happy before bringing it all up again.

They walked back into the changing rooms, flushed and breathless from a particularly competitive game; Regulus had won, and was currently wearing the satisfied little smirk that had James' heart flipping. Despite that, though, he looked unhappy: shoulders tense, eyes darting, skin seeming to stretch tauter than ever over his high, sharp bones. His mind was on the time. That much was clear. He had put everything into that tiny, pointless match they'd played - dashing and swooping, eyes hard with more steely concentration than a bird of prey. James got that. Whenever he himself was stressed, angry, afraid - none of which happened often - it felt good to release it on the game.

"Reggie," he said, as they reached the bench where their bags lay. "Can we talk for a sec?"

Immediately suspicious, Regulus gave a short nod. James sat on the bench and patted it tentatively; Regulus perched beside him.

"I just wanted to ask you," he began, keeping his tone careful. "If you're sure you don't want to come to mine for summer— Reggie, please."

The younger boy was already shaking his head, but James went on.

"I'm worried about you," he said seriously. "I can tell going home's bothering you. You keep having these dreams and I don't know how to help. It'd be better if you just—"

"No."

"—If you just lived with me. You don't have to come tomorrow at the station. I could give you the cloak and you could escape like that, maybe?"

"I'm not going to escape."

"But why not?" James tried again, helplessly. "You hate it there. I want you to be happy."

"Well, we can't always have what we want," Regulus replied shortly, then regarded him with a tightening of his jaw. "Though perhaps you never learned that."

"That's not fair," James said in a low voice. "I'm trying to protect you."

"I don't need your protection," he snapped, getting to his feet. "And I don't want it. I'm sick of your pity, James. I've told you no. Leave it."

As he turned to leave, James got up and caught his hand. Regulus snatched it away.

"Just tell me why," James urged. "I know you said you're scared, but if you leave you won't have to be scared anymore, right? They won't be able to hurt you."

"It's not that simple."

"Why?"

"You don't understand."

His voice was growing colder with every word. He was angry. Probably much angrier than he was letting on. This wasn't how James wanted things to go.

"Then help me understand," he pleaded. "I want to help you, Reggie, but you're not letting me. Why can't you leave? Sirius was—"