Insomniacs (#1)

70. fighter

long ass chapter for this one.

Everest.

I've started off every single morning for the past seven days making routine phone calls to every hospital in the vicinity. Every. Single. Morning.

It's the first thing I do, the first thing on my mind. Like Luca, is the only fucking thing on my mind all day long. From the very minute I open my eyes to the restless nights I can't get myself to sleep.

I can't find him.

When Hudson had last seen him, the doctors said it was just a matter of days back then. Hudson was the only one to see how weak he had become and he doesn't speak of it, at all.

Seven days since he left. Since Hudson broke it to us.

Seven days since Ria stopped being her.

Since she hasn't been the same so alongside Luca, she's plagued my mind as well. Overrun it, might be a better way of phrasing it.

Because I cannot get into her head. I can't decipher what she's thinking nor how she's feeling - nobody can - and I don't think I've ever seen her close up so tightly. Securely enough that me, having known her for years now, can't even catch a mere glimpse.

She's not...her. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to bring her back because I'm afraid that after having lost Lu, I've lost the only other person I got too.

Everything is so beyond fucked. Fucked is an understatement. So much more fucked than I ever thought things could get fucked.

I've not seen her glimpse a smile unless she's with Benji. She doesn't mope nor does she sob. She doesn't scream or get angry with anybody and sometimes, I want her to just punch me in the face. Do something, even if its out of anger, so I know she's still in there. She does nothing other than the things she needs to: school, work, looking after Benji. Outside of that, conversation has become a pointless thing to her.

I've known that girl for years now. Day in, day out. Drunken nights, hungovers, bad days and good days - we saw them all together. Then, she met him.

They were...words can't really explain Luca and Ria. They were beyond everything.

Things are still tense between us and Hudson, there's a massive rift between all of us but we, for now, still stick together.

Sitting here, my head in my hands after completing my usual routine of ringing hospitals, the anxiety settles inside my stomach. It's been seven days and though it's not long, it's beginning to feel like a lifetime as nothing changes. So I drink. And I worry about her. And it feels like I'm doing fucking nothing.

I hate that he did this to us. That he fucking preferred to be alone. Without me. I try to not think about it so I don't feel as pathetically betrayed as I do because I guess, being betrayed isn't the point.

Because he's dying. Ultimate. Final. Right now, he could already be gone and we have no fucking clue. No closure. Yet still, I can't help but feel that betrayal like a sting under the surface of my skin. From the one person I'd always call my brother.

I miss him. I miss her.

God, I don't think I've ever felt more alone.

A part of me wants to crawl into this mattress and bury myself under the covers. Run away from the things I need to do and let myself bask in how much thinking of him makes my chest hurt and my stomach turn.

But I know I can't. And despite how I know she'll barely acknowledge my presence, I know I'm gonna make my way to Ria's house like I've done everyday without fail.