In Sunshine or In Shadow ✔ [Completed]

Chapter 12.2 - The First Piece

Riddhima decided to leave early for her appointment with Dr. Cargill, very early actually. Her intention was to stop by the CBI while she still had her courage. A part of her feared that come morning she will have lost all of her resolve and revert back to her shattered self. In some ways she'd felt safer in her shell, even if it ultimately hurt her in the end.

She ignored the stares as she made her way through the CBI. She couldn't blame them. The few sneaking glances she caught did tell her that they didn't whisper or wonder over her blame as she had convinced herself, but they did give her sympathetic looks. It made her feel worse that she has assumed such things about her colleagues, but also angered her. Not to them, but to herself. She should have been stronger. She should have trusted them more.

She hesitated in the hallway just outside her team's bullpen. Vansh had assured her of her ability to move on and sworn his devotion to helping her, but would the others be the same? She had been so horrible to them, throwing all of their vulnerabilities callously into their faces. Vansh could handle it since he had long ago accepted his demons as his punishment. The rest of her team didn't live like that and being reminded of their issues meant reopening old wounds. Riddhima was hesitant to forgive people from bringing up her own past. She couldn't blame them if they decided to do the same.

She could return home and wait until she was reinstated to learn if she had caused irreparable damage with her teammates. She was a heartbeat away from throwing in the towel but a scene in Titus Andronicus came to her then. Lavinia, before her rape and mutilation, had been the ideal Roman woman. So meek and docile that she wordlessly was going to forsake marriage to the man she loved to marry Saturninus, in order to please her father. She was even passive when Bassianus abducted her. Lavina never took control, she always followed the leads of others. Lavinia never tried to take back her life, but wallowed away into nothing in the end. Riddhima didn't want to be like Lavinia. She wanted to regain what she lost, including her friends.

Riddhima took in a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She still felt her stomach fluttering as she walked into the bullpen.

Vansh was the first one to spot her. He didn't say a word, but she could see the way his eyes widened a little that he was surprised to see her. Well, for once he hadn't managed to guess her every move, that was something at least. She hoped the smile she flashed him was reassuring.

"Riddhima?" Angre spoke when he saw her. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

Now all of them were looking at her: Kabir, Angre...Sara. They were sitting at their desks, eyeing her like she was a bomb with a faulty timepiece. She couldn't blame them, not when she was waiting for the explosion herself.

"I'm still on suspension," she said, "I just...I really needed to talk to you, all of you."

A great deal of her courage betrayed her, seeking someone far more worthy. Riddhima's eyes found her shoes and stayed there. She could feel them watching her, waiting for her to speak and wondering what she had come to say. Except Vansh. He would know. She took a chance and met his eyes briefly. Sure enough, he didn't look confused. His eyes were urging her to do what she had come for.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out before she lost all of her courage, "I've been treating all of you like crap, worse than that even. You guys have been so good to me, trying everything you could to help and I slapped it all away. I'm sorry for that. I'm really trying to get better and I know this probably won't make up for everything that I've done, but it's a start."

The bullpen was completely silent again. Had she not said enough? Was it too late? She couldn't blame them if they refused her apology. She had stomped on their trust and now she would have to earn it back. It was her own fault.