i'm loving, but who could love me?

"Youre the one I love, always."

"You're the one I love, always."
like you do -joji

for zolan

if i die
i know
i remember the moment i really knew

i was made
to love you

my body
my mind
my hands and feet
the sounds that i enjoy

when the world suffocates me
you still save me
you are
the definition
of what love feels like

yes, you, it'll never be the same after you
i still wonder who you'll marry
and if they'll know like i knew
how lucky they are
to be loved by you

my zo
my truest vo
the definition of love strained woes
you are the sweetest bruise that never leaves
you only hurt when i realize that you still mark my skin
even when
i know you aren't here to see it
you aren't here to believe me
when i say

to this day
I've met humans from all walks of life
black white asian everywhere
tall short
thin and thick
smart and less intelligent
quiet and loud

thoughtful
and thoughtless

nobody could ever touch the light that you give
you're my only sweet memory left
i think
I love you so much
that my heart never even broke

it just
stayed in your hands

and i know even if you never see me again
that you'll take good care of it

just like the record that won't ever skip
or the shoes you'll never get dirty
or the phone case you'd never rip

you take care
and i guess it's true that i never did

this is my love letter to you
i hope that someday you'll read it
and find the compassion
to know
i will never love again

i love with a love that feels like nothing
i kiss blandly
i make nothing

I still listen to your songs
they make me feel like I'm in your bedroom
drinking preso tea
And listening to your keyboard click

like im in bed with you until midnight
like we go to 7/11
and only buy juice

like im being myself and you never judge me
like we're in love here
but we're somewhere else

we're spiritual
i love you with my entire soul

it never stopped
i won't stop until my skin the same color of my socks

that wasn't even funny, but you'd probably laugh because I remembered a line to one of your favorite songs

sometimes i feel you inside of me
like
your encouragement of security
some days i try hard
because someone told me that i deserved it

and that i should learn to love myself as they did

i hope you're proud of me
because
i did it

i think i did it

and i wanna run to you
i just wanted to be the best person for you
and it killed my self esteem

but now there's nobody out here
i realized i had to want it for me

i've grown so much
i guess i just want you to know
i guess i just want you to see

if i never see you again
if we never speak

i just wanted you to know

i will never stop loving you
despite what you hear
despite what you see

it's the best kind of bruise
and im mourning the loss of a soulmate
who is probably so much happier without me

i wish i wasn't the way I was a year ago

i wish i could've been more
but now i have all this love and abundance

and i just give it to me and my friends
i made really nice friends
you told me i would and i didn't believe you
but i did it

and i know

you would be happy for me

to the sweetest person ill ever know

if you're alone forever
and im alone forever

like I sang before
we can be alone together

until then

ill be listening to jet fuel on repeat
thinking of you
hoping that someday you'll find this letter

and enjoy thinking of me
i don't talk to you because i want you to be happy
but inside i feel torn
because i know now

it's possible
you could be happy with me

I could be
everything you need

but ill never know
and this may be

the most beautiful letter

that you'll never read.

-Kay.