i'm loving, but who could love me?

"the destined r word."

"the destined r word."
everybody dies in their nightmares -xxxtentacion

love in their heart
love around me
love in the air
so much love it astounds me

it's winter but there's no snow
tell me where did all that love go?

so happy
watching them so happy
where the hell would i be?
feeling empty
feeling like half of me
feeling like ill never get to that point of satisfaction in myself
wanting to give love
but always putting it away
ignoring that feeling
that always stays

call me weak
but at least
im secure in my emotions
and i don't care what anyone thinks
it's my mind and ill let it take control of me
what i think
is what i mean

these emotions
aren't for nothing
i say that from the deepest parts of me
it is and will be
alright
because i know it's gonna be
not because anyone is telling me

everyone says that the things that make me sad
can't be the things that make me happy too
but they don't know me
they just don't know what it feels like
to be halfway good
and halfway falling apart

feelin' suffocated again
and sometimes i wonder if it's just all in my head
like im making this shit up
that these emotions aren't even there
i just need an excuse to be sad
an excuse to go back
to the things that had me spiraling
up and down
happy and sad
tell me
someone really tell me

the truth
because i can't see the future
it's blinded by the last day of 2018
and i don't even want to think
of that day
it's like the past just
comes back to play
just when im feeling
kind of okay
and that's fine
because i rather things come full circle
then end halfway
cant stand the conflict
wasn't one for the pain

believe it or not im all about forgiveness
it's just that
nobody really saw that in me
it feels like
nobody ever really sees me
and i want to show people
that i can be more
than what i used to be

but things like that are
dreams
and they can
but just
won't be

so i cry and wonder what it would be like
to live a life
where everything
went the way i wished it could go
but
that wouldn't be anything like me

things always go wrong
and instead of having these expectations
i just hope for a day when i can live presently
and feel my past
stop burdening me
where i can look back
and think happily
because of what the present is doing to me

maybe im a fool
probably
but
i don't know what's wrong with me
i get lost
and im moody
im only a mess because nobody understands me
they don't know why
and we fight
because i can't explain why

i just
i am this way
i will always be this way
because i believe that all people can be good
kinda like anne frank

but nobody sees that reality
so they just look at me
like im weak

but
i just believe

even when nobody else does
for some reason
despite everything
i just get this feeling
that nothing is
what it is
and it doesn't have to be
the way
i left it

that life is crazy and things change
and happiness is isn't a reach
or a moment
or just a word
but taking that reach
allowing that moment
saying the word

is so much harder
than giving up on everything

but i will stop listening to what everyone thinks
and i will still believe

because everything
is not always
what it seems

there is a reason for everything
and i can do hard things.

•••••

and this isn't wizards of waverly place lol
bYe Happy New Year!1!!1