i'm loving, but who could love me?

"windsor."

"windsor."
date 2 -your name

dear you,

i came back today

it has been almost three years

but I wanted you to know I haven't forgot it

the smell

the taste

of the bubble tea
from our very first date

im a different person than you remember from back then
i wonder if you had the chance
would you see me?

if you walked in
where i am
would you sit?

would i tell you all of the things ive gone through
would you tell me all the places you went?

would we go back and forth like little kids?
would I watch your smile
uprise
would i
could i be the reason
your life
uplifts?

im here and I'm happy
because im doing what i always did
basking in a memory so sweet
that even time cannot undo it

your words still exist
i hear them every now and then

im not just here again
i came here for you
i came here to breathe again

i sometimes forget what that is

in my busy america
when i knew you
i only had one clear wish

to live in windsor
and to love you forever

one of those i never did

it's hard to live here
without a permit

that was a sweet joke
i hope you laughed

if you're reading this
i have so many things i want to say to you

but i already said them
i talked to the moon again

it felt wonderful
it felt like i was home again
and home was in your arms
sometimes
i still believe it is

it wasn't the sleepy town
the shady blocks
and the boringness

it was how
one person
made windsor ontario

feel like the only place in the world i ever wanted to exist

i still remember 828 bridge

i still remember the train
that would shake the house in the morning
i remember how you held me back then
i remember never wanting to leave you
i remember being so happy to see you
i remember the toll
and having to pay it
some days i had nothing
but for you

id find something
to give
i remember when you were sick
i overdrafted my dads card
to get you soup and medicine

i didn't tell you I was coming
but you heard the clanking sound of my keys
you heard me come down the stairs
you knew it was me

even in your state
you were so happy to see me

i miss those happy smiles
i want to sit and bask in them for a while

i remember our very first date
you wore a red hoodie
you were taller than i expected

and you had this smile
i had never felt more nervous and excited

i almost hit a car trying to park in the lot across the street
you know the one
where the nice guy came out to guide me to park in the lines
the one where it says you can't park there unless you're eating at that Asian restaurant

we never ate there
i couldn't eat very well at the time

i would like you to know something bittersweet
i sometimes still have trouble deciding what to eat

but the decision is never nothing
i always want to be here
i try to feed my soul and my body

i say nice things about myself
i don't beat myself up about it all
i try my best to forgive and have empathy for someone else
i am a free bird
there are many things i have learned

i remember on our first date
i showed you my favorite movie
your name

kimi no na wa

that movie
has always been special to me

it still is

that's why im listening to the op
from date 2

the music makes me feel like you're here
like in another universe
somewhere
we are sitting in these white high chairs
having bubble tea

and you like mango strawberry
you always said it kind of funny
and i learned to like strawberry banana
because i was afraid I was allergic to mangoes

well im not
but
im still drinking strawberry banana today

some things
don't ever change

i have the same little fears and anxieties that only few may understand
i have the same joys and dreams

i still want to be a writer
i still enjoy small cute things
i still love disney
i still love making music
i still love listening to sugar by brockhampton

i still love our memories
they stay forever
thanks to ptsd

but you are the good memory i cling to
when I don't want to remember everything

i remember 2009
the lights
7/11
and your Halloween party

i remember word for word
every time you'd rap
the mic is the shotty nobody move nobody get hurt

it's almost like i can see you dancing
and singing
you doing that awkward little Michael Jackson move
moon walking and acting like a complete goof
the goof i am in love with

the boy i choose never to forget

i don't know what this feeling is
but i know i am meant to feel it

loving you
being your best friend
being each others reason to laugh and smile
to lie down and listen to music
to make stories
to play games
to be

loved
for our differences

and celebrated
equally

to be loved
by you

oh, i am still feeling your love
your love exists beyond words explanation

our spiritual recognition
our love

felt real
our love

is real

there hasn't been a day since i last saw you that i haven't loved you

you don't have to question or think bad of me

i don't lie

i mean what i mean

and my love runs incredibly deep

ive made my choices

and ive made my mistakes

but i used my will

and it brought me here today

just because we aren't here right now
doesn't mean we never were

and we still are

somewhere
in this universe

that is of a red winding thread

that intertwines time

that brings love

to last lifetimes

if you choose to believe in it

i choose to believe

i did not come here to cry
or grieve

i came here to windsor today

to remember how to breathe

i miss you, and i will see you soon

love kay