i'm loving, but who could love me?

"you're my person."

"you're my person."
beautiful people, beautiful problems -Lana Del Rey

dear brown eyes,
wide noses,
and the one you've chosen

missing you is eternal
it's fine
but loving you can fade away in time

but i
don't want it to

i want to put you high up on a shelf somewhere
protect you from the gloom

wanna shake your beauty and contain it
like a snow globe
and put it in my room

i miss the way your eyes sparkle
from dusk
till dawn
till noon

you my love, that isn't my love at all

are the people that i make up in my head
you are all the boys and girls
that we think only exist in books they haven't read

but if only the world knew about you
canadas well kept secret

slouched over a keyboard in his bedroom
all that beauty for no one
i really hope she or he finds you

so if my time is up
somebody can adore you
in all the ways that i do

this poem is lewd
because it doesn't belong
i have a love interest that isn't you
but im choosing to think of you

i compare the way your lips feel
hands
and how you annunciate words

i know i should stop with this
because if he did the opposite
in return

i'd fall apart
when i learn
he's still hung over the moon for someone else

but your presence isn't something i could just go and get
in my mind
it's something i needed to earn

and in this world
you get
the best and worst poem you've ever heard

let's pretend that these feelings are okay to have
you know im good at that

i like your voice more
i miss the calmness
no matter how you spoke to me
you never got angry
even when you were
you never raised your voice at me

because you're rhythmic like the sea
you're art and you know it

you had no reason to destroy our masterpiece

we'd make reds and blues
just while laying in your sheets
it wasn't about kissing, loving or touching

i just think about the times when you'd pray with me

feels a lot more special than any human thing

feeling as though
there was someone who wanted to connect with me

that didn't only just care about loving me here
but
close enough to love me spiritually

because im a tainted soul
but im a glorious woman
divine
and beautifully made

i didn't see it until it was too late for you
but it's never too late for me

i love myself the way you loved me

that's the best kind of love
i think

but this is a poem
and everything is framed oh so romantically
everything is perfectly stitched with no bad memories

but here's where my muscles atrophy

my sudden burst of winter
in a lifetime's spring
the day it all ended
still haunts me

the day when i begged you to pretend to love me
for one more night only
the day when you looked at me and didn't want me
the day when love became pain
and there was nothing more left
there was no potential of happiness with me

you saw what my demons wanted you to see

while my tired inner child
screams for you to understand
that yes
i am broken
but not shattered
and i am fixable
and i repair myself
piece by piece

and ill keep showing you and everyone
what all of this pain means

maybe the art isn't ruined
maybe there's a way for me

if you could paint me by numbers
and continue our masterpiece

i'd hold a steady hand
and draw you a thousand times more
and choose to love you differently

nowadays, you are the only one worth thinking about when i think of life changing beings

because all she ever taught me was pain and insecurity
and im sad that because of her, she stole so much joy from you and me

but alas i heal
regardless of he or she

but you're in my memory sweet, if you ever are wondering

just like olivia rose ruiz

she's gone, but somehow still sweet to me
she'll never talk to me again
but i chose to draw her differently

but your love and hers aren't to be compared
because i loved you both, genuinely

but if i
am to love someone else
supposedly

why am i still able to compare
comfortably?

i am in no shame to think
perhaps my love isn't love at all

because olivia was right
i could make anyone fall in love with me

not in a narcissistic way
just that i
tend to kind of overdo things
i'd take an inch and make it a mile for a stranger

give them places to live and diamond rings
but i sometimes feel empty after all i give
just to emulate a feeling that isn't to be given
it's to be received

im a flawed lover
an overthinker
and a romantic dreamer

but i am human
just doing unpredictable and unexplainable things

this poem is for you
i don't know why
i promise i wrote it with a heart full of love and kindness

i don't really want to feel banished or spited
i just want to explain my feelings in a way that i only i know

through composition i can fall in love over and over again
and i don't feel so divided
doesn't matter if there's borders, people, and resentment working against me
through writing
my love will never be one sided

i fall in love again
for a few spare minutes called "what if"
my memory is ignited

i forget about the world
and use my gift
and i describe it

i make these words for people who will never read them
but who's to say that i should not write it?

let my love exist here only
im sure zolan, olivia, nix and autumn
will not mind it

xx

-kay