i'm loving, but who could love me?

"pretending?"

"pretending?"
mariners apartment complex -lana del rey

this is a poem about love
you are love
you are loved
you are my definition of

what's real

i spoke to you the other day
but you don't know
only i do

i dreamt of you
over and over

i didn't know why
but i woke up
i felt it inside

i felt you
i felt something worth savoring
the kind of dream that makes you clench your eyes shut again

in hopes of a special reunion.

but here i am

i guess
i have some questions i want to ask myself

so ill
be the lies

and you
be the truth
the right side

you were always right
until you were wrong about
one short sentence
when you said never again
and you actually
meant it.

"i just get disappointed sometimes. i feel like we're like fire. we're beautiful. but we burn out. almost every day. my needs aren't being met."
and then you'd look at me, confused, and say:   

"then why would you stay?"

you didn't know. but those words would haunt me in the most sinful way. your eyes are chocolate, holding the light of your future and knowing what to do, always. clarity. is what i see when you look at me, or anyone...about anything. you're headstrong, because you never needed anyone. you're what i'd like to think of as a good person. you have faults...but really...to me...they were invisible. the fighting was because of my self sabotage. my disbelief and fear of someone being so in love with me...even though i was and am, so afraid of grief. i didn't want to lose you. so i instead accused you, of not loving me, liking me, needing me, or wanting to even sleep with me. rather true or false, my mind games could hurt anyone. but mostly me.
i learned that a little too late. but hey, i can still write to someone that won't ever read my poetry. but knowing him, he might. he might actually still wonder about me. remember what i was saying?

a love that was real?

we tied souls before we made love. we tied souls with loose nots because they didn't need to be tight. you know that i loved you, and you loved me. they only became tighter and more frantic when you started to drift from me. and i started to wallow in my own self pity. destructing and reconstructing for you. now i only do these things for me.

if only you knew how i loved myself now. you would look at me and call me some other name. you fell in love with me, and my insecurities. would you even want a happy version of me?

you only had that person for a few weeks at a time. and it wasn't even real. it was half hearted. i see the unhappiness in your eyes, the stress and emptiness you felt inside.

your needs weren't being met.

"so why stay?" Is what i would've asked you, if the old you, asked present tense me. it would be a surprise to you, to see me feel independent and comfortable in the fact that you don't have to stay anywhere you don't want to be. not for vengeance or revenge to push you away from me. just so i can focus on myself and grow. that's all you really wanted so...i hope you found it. and that you find this.