i'm loving, but who could love me?

"i'm so proud of you!"

"i'm so proud of you!"
boy -willow smith

man
sometimes i just
sit here
and think
one
im wasting gas coming out here
two
why am i here
three
why wouldn't i be?

i say sometimes a lot
but
it's kind of all the time
i guess i just casually lie to myself to feel better

but
it's pretty here
but all i do here is reflect
and wonder

i do a lot of wondering
so many what ifs
and i wish

that you'd think i was actually downright hopeless
but i hope a lot
even when it's ripped away
each day

i wake up with the same hope
i guess it disintegrates
by the end of the day
and that's why i get so restless
so sad
so hopeless

sometimes i feel like im in limbo
but that's okay
i did that for a few months once

i don't know if im happy or sad
im this weird inbetween
and i think that's worse for someone like me
i need something to define me

i really don't get myself
but that's okay
ive become stagnant
and repetitive
everything i don't want to be

i feel like everything is dying
and sometimes
i feel like im dying too
but
we all kind of are

my astronomy teacher told me
the universe is trying to kill us everyday
it made me laugh
because it's kind of true

we feel like we have all the time in the world to be sad
but the truth is
we could die any moment
would i be satisfied if i did?

probably not
i try to make myself aware of every moment
but sometimes i feel so dead already its hard to wake up

im happy
but im empty
it doesn't feel like faking
i just know that there's nothing in me
no love left to give

for anyone
not even a friend
i literally feel like a stale piece of bread
and that may be because i never sleep
and i eat weird stuff
but at least im doing it
even if it's just

sorta kinda
sorta kinda living
is me now

but the holidays remind me of last year
and how animated i felt
and man oh man
me last year
id give anything to be that girl again
so happy
living it up with her friends

bro im literally a stale piece a bread
i feel washed up and im only 18
is this what it feels like to grow up?
do we just mourn the past everyday and wait till god makes our fate?

nah that can't be
wish i could calm my mind
but it just goes
and goes
and i let it
i let myself think of things that hurt me

for some reason
i need to be reminded
according to me
ill never know why
i need these memories
if they do nothing for me

but
kid cudi said i was the commander of my own universe so
i gotta chill with this pain
i really have to just stop beating the shit out of myself everyday
like
it's ok

sometimes you have to cry
but like
everyday?

maybe im just emotional
but crying doesn't ruin me or anything
i can be happy right after
just give me a second

i literally feel nothing
and i want to feel something
i really want to feel something again

sometimes i feel already dead

••

coffee is a drug y'all