i'm loving, but who could love me?

"don't go."

"don't go."
beautiful lies -birdy

sometimes i just want to say sorry
sorry for me
sorry for what i feel
sorry for what i can't be

but i just wish that i had the strength to be
enough
for each and everyone

but the truth is
i push them all away
i don't want anyone
i'm bruised
and my remedy lies in the past

can't get that back

so i stay here
listening to the sweet words that they tell me
but they're all empty
they don't mean a thing

i can't imagine a kiss from another
can't fathom romance
without my lover

give me a little time
and ill learn how to stop mourning
ill learn to stop crying

though i write this with dry eyes
my heart
is still half empty inside

i find peace in myself nowadays
because no one else gets to judge me like me
and i like me
sort of

and i never really did
sometimes i think i don't want love
because if i can't get them to like me for who i truly am
i want nothing

i feel like no one will ever want me
because i don't want to fake anything
i survive on authenticity
and every day
i become a little more in love with the quirks of me

how could anyone else
be

ill never know
and im so secure on my own
that i don't want them to point out the first hand insecurities of me

love might
have to take the backseat in my life

because i can't give myself away like how i did with her
im too afraid ill get hurt

but ive learned that i only ever want her to have the power to make me bleed
i don't want anyone else to see that
raw
angry
cold part of me

but i don't want to pretend or hide
so i stay by myself and wonder why
why can't i just go on dates with the people that want me?

i feel so bored when they feed me words that i hardly understand
they're all compliments that i don't need
they think im so rare, so unique
because im a girl who cares more about philosophy than what's in my wardrobe or what's on my feet

so rare
it's almost sickening
i am only what she made me
and now im just tiny pieces
trying to make myself love
when i just can't

im more content alone
than with someone else telling me pretty words
not used to that
never was a fan

that was my job
i don't need you to take charge

i think im too independent to be loved
and i think being alone feels a lot more freeing than sad

i used to want to be someone's someone so much
but now i just gave in
but i never gave up

i love me
but im afraid that a stranger
can't see
what i see
they won't see my past
my bruises
or my needs

they will only see me
and i don't want anyone to depress me
because they don't like what they hear
they don't like the authenticity of me

i don't feel like getting my heart stomped on by someone i hardly know
i don't need someone else to help me feel like im progressing

things like this take time
and until then

i won't entertain the thought of someone new
because someone new
will never be like you

and i acknowledges that
because i feel like they could be
but then i'd be discrediting my love for interesting beings

all quite lovely
all more than unique

i will love again
someday
regardless
of who they are
or where they've been

there is no need to rush
i could die tomorrow
and i'd rather die being happy and honest
living in positivity

than forcing myself
to love
just to forget
the bruises that you left me

••••

met a weird girl who told me she got engaged 2weeks after breaking up with her last gf

i said....
um....
why do you need someone else to move on?

"i have attachment issues, but im and trying, and we're not engaged anymore, I'm just looking now."

i told her to be alone
and i told her to not talk to me anymore
because she needs to heal
i told her to not pursue anyone until you're 100% ready
and it will take a long time...told her to be patient

or else you'll end up hurting more than one person
breaking two hearts at the same time

i understand why she did it
but
it just left a bad taste in my mouth lol

told a random stranger to mediate and go into nature
learn who you are
before you learn to love someone

wow
i feel emotional
yup
gonna cry
good night
<3