The buzzing of my phone woke me up the next morning. I stretched out an arm to pick it up and take the call, my eyes still closed.
-Hello?
I managed to mumble in a morning voice, hoarse from the night before.
-Did I wake you up?
My heart skipped a beat as I recognized Ran's voice. I quickly sat up and cleared my throat away from the phone, not having time to process what exactly was going on.
-N-no!
-I was calling about your message. Are you free in an hour?
Wait. What message?
I quickly put the phone call in the background to go check my conversation with Ran, my heart beating so fast in my chest that it was the only thing I could concentrate on.
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Shit! When the fuck did I send that? I'm never ever drinking-
-You still there?
Apparently, I had been silent for longer than I thought, but nothing inside me was silent. My mind was full of questions and regrets.
-Y-yeah, yeah. Let's do that.
-Great, I'll send you an address. See you in a bit.
It wasn't until he hung up that I realized I had just agreed to meet him.
✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧
Ran was leaning his back against the wall of the restaurant he had sent me the location of. Ever since he had called me, my heart hadn't stopped trying to jump out of my chest, but now that I was finally seeing him I felt like I was going to have an actual heart attack.
The tall man watched me intently as I approached him. For a second I wished he would kiss my hand like he always did, but I dismissed the idea right away. Instead, he greeted me with a nod and guided me inside.
I looked around confused. I had heard about this restaurant before: apparently, it was really popular nowadays and always had a long waiting list. But right now it was empty.
-I figured you wouldn't want to come to my place and we couldn't have this conversation in public.
Ran explained as he helped me sit at one of the tables.
-Thanks for meeting me. I-
-I was drunk when I sent you that message. I didn't want to meet you.
I cut him off.
-So you're telling me you came all the way here just to tell me you were drunk last night?
When I didn't respond, he continued.
-You don't have to play tough with me, Y/N. I know you came here looking for answers, and that's what you're going to get. When I'm done, you're free to do whatever you want. I'm not going to force you to keep seeing me.
I stared at him in defeat, mentally preparing myself for the answers he was finally going to give me. Ran sighed before speaking, running a hand over his face.
-My mother died when I was ten. I never got to meet my father because he abandoned her after she got pregnant. I don't know if he's alive or what he looks like. After she passed away, my brother and I started getting in trouble. We were young and didn't know how to handle the loss. You asked me if I had ever killed someone: the first time was when I was thirteen. We were fighting a gang and we sent a guy to the hospital. Hours later, we found out he hadn't made it.
I instinctively covered my mouth, which was wide open, with one of my hands. Chills ran through my whole body.
-Rindou and I were sent to a juvenile detention center. They don't reform shit in there, it's the law of the jungle: only the strongest survive. When we got out, we kept fighting. We only had each other and none of us knew any better. One day, in a big fight, one of the friends we had made there, and whom we respected a lot, got shot and died. We waited at the scene until the police arrived and were sent back to juvie. By the time the idea of giving my brother a good future came to me, it was already too late. How could any of us make an honest living, with such a record on our backs? Rindou's the most important person to me, the only one who's always been there, and the one I was supposed to have taken care of, but there was nothing I could do for him at that point. Eventually, the brother of the guy who was killed created Bonten to honor him, and I was finally able to give Rindou the future I wanted for him.
I was speechless. I wasn't even sure of the look I had on my face, or what my thoughts were on the whole thing. He had just confessed to me that he had killed multiple people throughout his entire life and I felt... sympathy? I couldn't help but think how lucky and privileged I had always been. Even despite my father's abandonment, even despite my mother's passing. I had always had my needs met, a loving parent and a nice, normal childhood. What would have happened if I had gotten involved with the wrong people, or gotten into bad environments?
-I admit I used to enjoy some pretty fucked up stuff when I was younger, I'm not going to lie to you, but I'm not that person anymore. I know I'm not the best guy you've met, I've got a lot of shit in my back, but I'm trying to be better. Let me be better around you.
The Ran that was now in front of me seemed open, vulnerable. It almost seemed like the helpless child he once was was the one talking to me. And I despised the world for what it had turned him into.
No, no, no. Stop. Get your shit together, Y/N.
This wasn't right. Until what age could someone be considered a product of their circumstances? Could every shitty person be excused because of the way life had treated them when they were younger? I was sure he could've done something different than joining a fucking criminal organization. And even if it was all true and he was genuinely trying to be a good person, why would I get involved with him? It was still dangerous. I should listen to Kai and stay away from him.
-I'm really sorry for everything that happened to you and your brother, Ran. No one should have to go through all that at such a young age. But I still think it's no excuse. And why would I trust you when you say you're not the same person anymore? You've just told me some things about your life, but I still know nothing about you. I'm sorry.
I stood up, ready to leave, but he delicately grabbed my hand to stop me, gently brushing his fingers over my wrist. I wished I didn't feel the sensation his touch had awakened in every corner of my body.
When he spoke, my eyes were still riveted on the restaurant door.
-Then get to know me. Like I said, I'm not going to force you to stay. If you don't like what you discover, I can promise you that I will be the one to disappear from your life and that you will never hear from me again.
