The Corruption Of Our Souls

IX

I stare blankly at the ceiling, trying to find any feeling within me, I am nothing. I do not exist and this is all a dream. I am not real.

None of this is.

I won't accept the fact that all that has happened is physically possible, no way can someone put someone through so many different emotions and then just leave.

It's not that simple, and it's not fair.

None of this is.

It's been 2 months since I've last seen Nate, alive and well. After the night of the attack, he left and I never saw him again. It's been 2 months. 2 whole months. I've never been so bad, the pain is eating me from the inside out, everyday as i look in the mirror, my face seems to have shrunken and lost colour even more. Im slowly dying as im alive. Im not doing good for anyone, a waste of space, worthless. I stand up and walk over to my desk, barely touching the surface; i tug on the drawer revealing a cluttered drawer of mess, and pull out an orange cylinder contain many pills. My eyes flood with tears and my hollowness within me echoes deeply, i feel detached, i could disappear off the face of the planet and nobody would ever even realise. I slug down into the chair and surrender to myself, opening the lid looking down the cylinder to see roughly 30 pills tempting me. 

I think back to Nate, his face and smile. He wouldn't want this to happen, any of this. I look down at my long sleeve and pull it up revealing scar after scar in an alignment traced up my arm in different variations of depth, all a reminder of him. All of it. 'ill never leave you' i replay in my head from the truck drive, and i never will. He will always be lurking in my head.

I stare back down at the pills and realise what i was about to do. More tears flood my face and i launch the cylinder across the other side of my room watching the pills disperse across the wall and onto the floor.

I surrender to my body as i fall off the chair and sink onto the floor breaking down both physically and mentally. I can't do this, i can't live with myself, but i can't end it. I just can't do this. I haven't stepped foot near my spot or the beach, i don't even know if he still lives there but i cant bring myself to find out. I suppose if he did then he would have at least attended college, he permanently removed himself from my life leaving me as a frail corpse. He could have killed me, Fall Out Boy once wrote a song with the lyrics 'sometimes before it gets better, the darkness get bigger, the person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger' and it used to keep me going, the fact before it got better it had to get worse, but i never experienced the second half, a back stabber. Yet here we are, fragmented and broken lying on the floor, stabbed god knows how many times in the back.

I feel so fragile; i touch my wrist and crumble under the slight pressure of touch. It's 3:58 on a Monday morning, probably the reason as to why i feel so... dead. I haven't slept well since the truck ride night, i felt satisfaction, and happiness surprisingly.

I succumb to my common sense and crawl into bed and bury myself in the duvet, quickly falling into a deep sleep.

I stand in my room in the dusk, everything is so foggy, like smoke. Holy crap, its smoke, I throw my sleeve over my mouth and guide myself downstairs to the source of the fire. Standing in the dining room is all my family, restrained, tied up to each chair as the walls burn around them, a man stood behind my mum, holding a knife. I abruptly recognise the face and choke on the thick smoke.

'Nathan get your hands off my family' I threaten.

'But I love you' he responds.

I go to walk over and slowly comfort him and make him try to save my house and family. As i walk over he steps back, wrongly into the fire, the flames lick up around him.