Why was I so hard to love?

What if?

i miss living in what if?
i miss not feeling love
i miss the numbness and not fearing you will leave
i thought i was below, but this protection made me feel above

i would complain that i wanted what my friends have
i found you, you filled me with kisses in parts i don't even like
you made me ridicouslisly laugh
like a child learning how to ride a bike

now i'm stuck in this loop
in this story where the ending will be the same
i try different techniques, but the results are the same

i can't cure the the pain
i can't remove this burning feeling
not even with cold water
it was like that time my grandma told me not to touch the electric steam iron
once i touched it, not even water removed the pain

only time healed that pain i received on my own
this time my psychiatrist told me not to fall in love
because she knew they would leave
but i didn't listen because i got tired of being alone
once again, pain i received

now i miss the days where i was alone
where i would just day dream about my future lover
now that i found someone, i'm filled with wounds
because he is giving me signs that this will be over

when did i become so weak again?
after all i went through in the past
why did i thought something from this i'd gain?
i mean, all i gained is a heart blast

i try not to be selfish
i try to be kind and please your needs
but i can't seem to be what you wish
because you seem to go five steps back after you take the lead

i miss the numbness
i miss just the hours of loneliness and studying
because even if it felt lonely
it was better than the feeling of a heartache

i just want to be the old me again
i don't want to loose myself again
i don't want all this effort to be in vain
i just miss the moment that by my side you were laying

sadly i need to let go as much as i don't want to
i am getting too attached and it is making you feel uncomfortable
it is gonna end up being a broken truce
why am i so hard to love? i truly don't need labels
i just want love and truth
but i guess you can only offer confusion and mixed signals.