Why was I so hard to love?

The shadow

millions of words destroyed by knives getting out of my mouth
long nights that bleed like ginormous waterfalls
everytime i try to head north i got south
in the end i don't even know how to crawl
from the mess i always create

i'm scared, there's a shadow behind me all the time
anyone would think i'm scared of a man figure
but that shadow is my own, the reflection of my thoughts
thoughts that turn into words that create wounds

sometimes i'm afraid that i'm truly the monster you claim to them i was
i can't hide behind my mental illness
i can't put on a mask and pretend it never happened
my words truly made an avalanche
a catastrophic mess

sometimes i wish toothpaste was enough
to stop me from having such a disgusting mouth
everytime i say i will stop
that shadow keeps following me

it sees every step i take
it's there lingering
i try to act like i'm fine
i try to act like i'm normal
til the shadow removes my mask
and i can't keep up the act

i'm a murderer, i have destroyed minds
i have destroyed hearts
i'm more complicated than a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle
whoever plays ends up trap in this eternal loop of confusion
when they end up leaving
the story of a monster they tell

terrified by her, terrified by the one who is scared of her own shadow
sometimes my friends claim that it isn't true
but what about the testimony of those who have seen me being out of control
sometimes it's scary not knowing if i'm wrong
right
in the middle
i feel stuck in the purgatory
no way out
no balance
too emotionless
too emotional
too attached
too detached
too afraid of myself
too afraid of the shadow i cannot scape

who in their own damn mind would be afraid of themselves
maybe i'm just a reflection of him
of the person i thought i respected the most
but which i actually feared
my father
sometimes i was scared of becoming like my mother because i thought she was crazy
but how did i not realized that it's worse seeing him in my reflection
those same anger issues
those same words that shot a million of bullets and destroy a whole nation
maybe i'm the reflection of both
a woman who doesn't know how to stand for herself
but also a man who doesn't know how to control his temper and has hurt many because he doesn't know how to measure his own words.

no balance is found
which person will i be today?
will i be that sweet girl who buys matching shirts and gives you a smile
or will i end up staining everything with the blood that comes from my own mouth
filling rooms with holes
creating a whole crime scene
where the victim is you
the person i claim to be my favorite is the one who ends up with a million stitches

attachment issues that posses me
anger issues that control me
a toxic household that created this monster
sometimes i'm scared i'm truly the bad guy you tell your friends i am
as much as i try to hold myself accountable
the ones that keep appearing in my path
i continue to hurt

boundaries i don't know how to put
boundaries i don't know how to respect
i try to take hours to answer so you don't notice how much i need you
but i end up answering in minutes
seconds
milliseconds

it hurts how much i need you
it hurts how much needing someone ends up hurting them
i'm afraid of myself
i'm afraid of all the damage i can make you go through

my past self hunts me
why couldn't he simply say my mind is ill
why does he have to paint me as a monster?
is it because i truly am a monster?
am i trying to convince myself i'm ill when in reality it's all me?

everytime i get a second chance, i fuck it up
sometimes i'm afraid this is an unmendable heart
an unmendable brain
will i always succeed at sabotaging everything i build?
the winner takes it all
but sadly i am always in the other side of the table
loosing everything

the story always ends the same
you leave, and someone who is sane takes my place
someone who is actually stable
someone who doesn't make a mess
someone who doesn't throw tantrums
tables, pillows, knives, bullets

how can someone who loves so much
cause so much damage?
i will never understand how someone who gets so attached
can hurt and detach people so quickly
i'm afraid of myself
which character will i be playing today?
will i be the one who makes you happy
or will i be the one who makes you sad?

will you be picking up your bags today?
tomorrow?
in a few months?
in a few years?
i wish you could stay forever
but villains never get their forever
maybe i will just end up disintegrating in a little box
so i don't keep causing anymore damage