Chapter Song: Looking Too Closely by Fink
Trigger Warning: Non-descriptive mention of suicide
THIRD PERSON'S POV
Two months have passed.
Two months of grieving.
Two months of silence.
The team hasn't stopped moving. They still kept to their routine. But they gave each other enough time to process and talk. Two months was enough for a sliver of light to shine through again. It was what Zack would have wanted, they thought. For them to move on. Get on to the next step of the plan. They couldn't waste any time even though it seemed like that was all they had.
Two months was enough.
But not for Alex.
They had closed themself off.
They would still take on the role as their leader. They would check in on each one of them. Making sure they were okay and doing their tasks. They made sure that everything was in place and that everyone was safe.
They were more dedicated to the team— to the family. But they were even more distant if that was even possible.
They didn't know Alex. Alex thought that no one ever will. Yet Alex knew that wasn't true.
They know Alex. Not the details of their life, sure. But still, they know Alex.
So why are they closing themself off? Why can't they help it? Why are they going through this again?
Alex felt like the first time they died. They failed but it was still a death that counted.
Losing so much and causing that loss... A loss that could have been prevented. It was enough to fuel a great anger.
But who can they direct that anger to?
No one. Not even themself.
So they resolve to being numb.
Numbing that anger. And numbing the pain.
That was what Alex was used to.
They knew given the time, all would be better. But they didn't have time. People were counting on them. And they can't afford to make a mistake and lose someone again.
With a sure mind and a steady heart, Alex brings themself back. Pulls themself back from the depths and stands up straight.
I'm not losing myself again.
I'm not letting my pain kill me again.
I can't let it.
I don't want it to.
I am my own person.
I am not my pain.
A/N: Somehow I'm always surprised whenever I read back what I wrote. This mantra... it's personal.
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