S.O.S

Chapter 44 | Like Franks tumor

Peloyame

"Pelo you have to get up, everyone's worried about you, including mel."
He asks.

I'm staring outside as the leaves start to turn green again.

The sun rays pierces through them, the chlorophyll still trying to color them green.
The trees are starting to look rejuvenated After bieng brutally shed by the winter, and they look beautiful.

It's been two days since I bumped into Martin and everything that I went through in our relationship and after, are starting to come back to me like a ton of bricks.

I can still hear all those horrible things he used to say to me, the cheatings the manipulations just everything, it's like all that pain is starting to come back to me all at once including the pain from when I lost owethu and Lungas secret keeping. It's just diminishing every bit of joy that I had left in me.

I never saw a therapist after I broke up with Martin, I basically just compartmentalized and moved on and talking to Jason after I lost owethu helped a bit but it talking about those experiences again opened some old wounds, so right now as I'm lying on this bed it's like I've opened the flood gates and I feel like I'm slowly drowning.

He starts to approach me and he squads infront of me.

"Pelo, if you don't want to talk to me the atleast talk Lorna"

"No, not Lorna"

"Then your only option is me if not your husband, and im not getting out of this room until you've said something to me'
He softly says.

"I don't want to talk to you either Jase, I just want to stay in bed and watch the trees"

I say as I start to get emotional. It's the another thing that I've been doing lately and it's been driving Lunga over the edge.

He honestly tried his best. But I still don't feel okay with dumping my problems onto him.

"Get up sugar plum"
He commands.

And I slowly get up from the bed and he kicks of his shoes and he sits next to me, leaning against the head board.

"Talk to me"
He says as he opens a packet of muesli.

"A year ago I barely got out of a heavily emotionally abusive relationship. He uhm...
He used to literaterally say anything bad that you could think about to me and to me, Said they were "compliments".

He used to tell me that I wasn't worth anything, that nobody would ever love me the way he did. And I was convinced that his love is the kind of life that I deserved ,He would repeat that , just over and over until I actually believed it.

He preyed on my insecurities, he belittled me...

And he cheated. And even when he cheated on me I couldn't leave. I stayed. And I loved him. Until I realized that the only love that I'll ever need on this earth is my parents and I finally gathered the courage to break up with him. It was difficult, the breaking up and moving on and then a year later I meet this amazing man Jase with an extraordinary daughter and I took that leap of faith with him and he still proves me to me everyday how much he loves, values and respects me and I love him more than anything, but when all the secrets started coming out I asked myself if what Martin said to me was true,   did I actually deserve a love that is soaked in pain"

Sniff.

But Lunga still proved me wrong he faught for me and he didn't know that I was battling my own demons inside. And he was there for me and he never asked any questions even when he didn't know it sometimes, but bieng with him and mel put me In a better place. But I'm not okay Jase...it's just so hard to believe sometimes"