a roses thorn

Chapter Thirty Seven

It hasn't shined in my world in over three months. The world surrounding me is filled with color and light, but my world is full of shadows and darkness. But today is the hardest and darkest of them all.

Kelia turns eight today. Eight years old and it's the first birthday where I'm not going to wake her up early for breakfast in bed and a photoshoot. Her first birthday with it only being her father and I'm not there. Her first birthday without her mother.

She's better off. At least I keep telling myself that. After Justin stopped by last week, I found myself looking at the pictures of Kelia and Jonah. For the first time since I've left, I've wondered how they're actually doing. If they miss me. Or if they hate me.

She's better off. They're better off.

I grabbed an unopened bottle of Chateau Margaux red wine and corked it open before I walked into the bathroom and began drawing a bath. If I'm not celebrating today for my daughter's birthday then I'm celebrating allowing her to live her life fear-free as long as I'm out of it.

I've broken contracts. Trust. Hearts. I've broken so much from disappearing, but nothing can be fixed properly if the problem is still present. And I'm the problem. I was so naïve to believe that the world was a safe place to bring children into it. I believed that there the good weighs out the evil and always wins, but I was wrong. Oh, how I was wrong.

"Yo, Kiera!" I heard Justin's voice call from outside the bathroom and I heard a door shut. Probably the hotel door. The hotel seems to think Justin is just entitled to walk into anyone's room without checking with the client first.

It's been a week since I hung out with Justin. It's been a week since Justin sat here and watched movies with me all night while I drank, smoked, and cried. And I believe that he believes I was crying because Will Smith had to kill his dog, but that's not why I was crying. I was crying because he's the only person who isn't pushing me to get back into society and go back to my normal life. He's the only one who understands that I'm not ready and he respects that.

"In here!" I pulled a cover of suds over my chest so it wouldn't be inappropriate if he walks in. "The door is unlocked."

As the words rolled off my tongue, the glass bathroom door swung open and there Justin stood with a bottle of Hypnotic in one hand and an ounce of weed in the other. "Do you have blunts?"

He made very clear that he wasn't going to look at me while I was naked and submerged in sudsy bathwater. He kept his eyes on the weed that he was grinding with his fingers and avoided even moving his eyes towards me.

Thank goodness. Because I would not able to tell Hailey that Justin saw me naked. She would never forgive me. And if I do make a comeback from all of this, I'll need my closest friends for support.

"You're here again. Why?" I really wanted to spend today alone. But I really want to spend every other day alone too.

"I brought the Xbox over with GTA and Call of Booty. Which would you prefer to play first?" He finished breaking up a large pile of weed on a rolling tray and closed his baggie. "Blunts, Kiera, where are they?"

He's too smart to know I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any. I have an unlimited supply of weed. Why would I not have blunts to fill with the weed.

"Same place as the last." I grabbed the hotel's white body towel and wrapped it tightly around my chest while he exited the bathroom and I grabbed the bottle of wine I opened and the rolling tray from the counter before meeting Justin in the bedroom. "Does Hailey know you're here?"

Matty may never want to speak to me again. Or he may never be able to forgive me. And Hailey may not want to be my friend if I do come out of this rut. But I have the utmost respect for him and Hailey both.