Attentive
After the day I spent with Aki and her friend, they texted me both on that same day. Iyon nga lang, nakaligtaan ko nang magreply, at habang inaalalang hindi ko pa pala narereplyan, tinitigan ko nalang ang text ni Aki.
I don't intend to keep friends. Pwede akong sumama, o humalo minsan, but I don't think I'll fit into deep relationships. For someone like me who doesn't even know how those things work, I might only bore them.
But I appreciate the bracelet so much. It's something I want to keep...
I sighed and didn't reply anymore. But Glen confirmed that he's gonna let Aki join us during the Christmas season since I also mentioned it to her. Malaking tulong din 'yon sa pinansyal kung kailangan niya.
Pumunta din naman si Caden sa gabing iyon para ma shoot namin ang activity ko sa P.E. which is swimming.
Nakasuot na ako ng rush guard na kulay baby pink at isang short cycling. I positioned myself in front of the swimming pool while Caden was taking a video of me using his camera as I dived and did the first stroke I needed to copy.
Nagtagal ng ilang oras iyon. Lalangoy ako lagi pabalik sa dulo kung saan nakatayo si Caden saka siya yuyuko at ipapakita sa akin ang kuha niya.
"Tama na 'yan," tango ko nang makontento at hinila paalis ang sarili sa tubig.
Tumayo si Caden at kinuha ang puting tuwalya sa sun lounger saka inilahad sa akin.
"You won't swim for a while?" he offered.
"Nakailang langoy na ako. Tama na 'yon," I said as I wiped myself and pulled the swimming cap out of my head.
"I mean..." makahulugan ang titig niya.
Kumunot ang aking noo. "Gusto mong magswimming? Pwede kang magswimming muna. Hintayin nalang kita sa room."
He chuckled. "You might like to go back to your condo unit. Kailangan ko pang i edit 'yung video mo."
Oh... wow. Nabanggit niya naman na siya na rin ang bahala doon lalo na't wala akong ideya kung paano ieedit ang video ko.
Ramdam ko naman na... gusto niyang maligo muna kami saglit. But because I told him he could swim, alone, it might have given him the idea that I don't have plans to... swim with him?
Intimacy. I don't know how to give it naturally. Wala na rin kasi sa isip ko na akitin siya. Now that he has agreed to my plans, I am not exerting effort anymore.
And I'm... like this. Naturally uninterested in things...
Dapat bang... yayain ko siya?
Nasa isip ko iyon kahit naglalakad na kami pabalik sa aking condo unit pagkatapos kong magbihis sa cubicle ng swimming pool area.
Clearly, I don't have any experience with how intimacy with men really works. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ang boring ko. Baka kung kinasal na kami, he might realize how boring a wife I am?
What does... What does being a wife mean? Kahit iyon, wala akong ideya. Is it enough to cook for him, clean the house, and make him happy?
I might fail on the last part since I don't know how to make him happy. Madali lang naman maglinis kahit madalas na may housekeeper sa condo unit ko, at ang pagluluto, kung may guide ka such as a cook book, madali lang din iyon.
But making someone happy—I think that's the hardest thing to do. Lalo na't pakiramdam ko, mahirap akong pasayahin. At imposibleng mapapasaya ko rin ang ibang tao.
"Do you... want some snacks?" tanong ko nang umupo ako sa kanyang gilid habang abala siya sa laptop.
His brows shot up, amazed that I offered a snack for him.
