Bound by Honour

54

I woke up 5:47 a.m. on Christmas morning. I didn't understand why my body insisted on having a strange sleep schedule. I wanted to sleep in, for some reason I had felt uneasy to be given presents. I hated people watching me open presents, what if I don't like it? 

What if I like it and cry?

Why would I cry?  I'm sensitive.

Maybe my period is coming, after all these years.

On Christmas Day.

That would be my luck.

Overwhelmed, I tiptoed downstairs, careful to not step on the squeak. No one else had woken up yet. There wasn't a sound, not even a mouse.

I got a glass of water, chugging it. I filled it again and got it half gone when I noticed that the greenhouse light illuminated in the flurries, in the ominous blue sky.

Who could be out there at this time of night?

I slipped my boots on and jacket, going outside into the flurries. I hurried to the greenhouse, opening the door. 

My mom looked up, a yellow rose in one hand. "Mom? What are you doing out here?" I asked, curious to why she was tending to her roses this early in the morning. I knew she liked gardening but not this much. 

She smiled, picking up another one. "Did you know your grandmothers' favourite flower were roses?" No, I never met my grandmother. Royce took away that too. I stared at her, unsure how to answer without some sarcasm. "Growing up, she had roses all over the house. My father hated them, hated the smell, but I loved them too. Especially yellow roses, they always had a calming effect for me."

"How are you feeling?" I asked, tilting my head, worried. 

My mom smiled. "I'm fine, baby girl," she tried to reassure. 

"I can be wide awake then suddenly feel as though I've just woken up, My head is heavy, my eyes droopy, my body is struggling to even hold up it's own weight and now I'm looking at the world through a glass wall that I don't remember being put up but deserve," she murmured, blinking a few times, like she's trying to concentrate. "The glass is dirty, so everything I see is sort of hazy and clouded and the harder I try to focus on anything, the more out of focus everything becomes. there's fuzz around the edges of my eyes, no matter how hard I blink or shake my head, nothing is clear anymore, and nothing makes sense. This isn't the way I planned my life would go, but I can't change it now. And I keep wondering how I let it get this way." 

"Mom ... I'm sorry things got so ...bad."

She stepped forward and reached out, putting a hand on my shoulder. "It's not your fault, Maisie. Sometimes life gives you a big shit sandwich and you just have to bite into it. Life has tossed you a big shit sandwich, but I know thing will be okay ... you will be okay, Maisie." 

I shrugged, shaking my head. "You don't know that." 

"You're right, but whatever happens, I know you will fight. You are a strong girl, Maisie. You always have been," she continued, "and at the end of the day, you have to get better for yourself. You deserve to be happy and you have to be the reason you fight. Nothing else will be enough, okay? Nothing else will get you through the darkness. You have to believe you are worth getting through it ... something I learned too late."

"Are you sure you're feeling okay? You're kinda rambling," I said, but she laughed. 

"I'm trying to ... to give you some wisdom, something I wish someone would have told me."