Bound by Honour

61

Ashton is dead.

"No. No. No," I cried. "He can't be-." I choked on the word.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl ," Cameron murmured, rubbing circles on my back. I found it hard to breath and before I knew it, i was dying.

Ashton was my twin, my other half. He couldn't be dead - yet, I felt it in my heart, a tear like someone cut me open and took a piece out. There was a hole in my heart.

I can't breath.

Ashton, come back.

I need you.

"Hey, hey," my brother gripped my wrists, stopping me from pulling at the wires. "Maisie."

"I can't, I can't," I sobbed, trying to pull away from him. He tightened his hold, leaning down to look at me. "I can't do this, Cam. I, I, I-" I wheezed, my thoughts overwhelming, making everything blur. I let out a strangled sob, something that resembled a dying animal.

"She's going into a panic attack, Cameron ..." someone said, but I couldn't place who it belonged to. "Her blood pressure is rising. Calm her down."

"Hey, look at me," my brother said, "slow your breathing. I need you to calm down."

Milo stood over me, taping wires to my skin, not caring whether I had a meltdown or not.

"Hey, stop, stop," Cameron mumbled, pulling my hands down.

"No, no, no ..." I cried, my words slurring. "... please, tell me you're lying." Tears ran down my brothers cheeks. I shook my head, denying the possibility my twin is dead. "Tell me this is some sick joke ... or a nightmare. A nightmare. I'm ready to wake up now, Cam... please, oh God no ..."

"I'm sorry baby girl," Cameron murmured. "He's gone. He's not coming back."

"No, no, Ashton, he's alive."

"Give her 2mg of Ativan."

"No," I cried, "you're wrong. You're wrong. Let me go find him." I tried to hoist myself up but pain burned in my stomach. Another set of hands pushed me down by the shoulders, Chance coming into view.

"Cameron."

"Maisie," my brother said, his hold on my arms tight. "You need to be calm." I tried to pull away, I have to go find Ashton, but hands held me back, gently pushing me back into the pillows.

"I need to find him, please, I need him," I cried, the world becoming a blur. "You're mistaken ... he he can't be gone."

But I felt it in my heart. An empty space meant for someone special, empty empty empty. Ashton was gone and I wouldn't ever see him again.

***

I stared at the wall, empty. I felt empty. Freedom was a length of rope the Devil wanted me to hang myself with. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of living.

I switch between thinking about what I am going to do next to instantly feeling like I'm going to vomit up a weeks worth of food. Waking up was never easy. Going to sleep, however, is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. A chance to escape the pain of living without permanent consequences.

I worry. Death calls me.

It calls me to surrender to the feeling of fear that comes with putting my head on the pillow and closing my eyes.

It whispers things in a language I don't understand. "Come sleep" they say.

"Let me take you" I can almost hear it, physically sense it. Promises of escape, of oblivion.