Un Pic - Sebastian Stan

Chapter 22

trigger warning: swearing, sex, public sex

"Life is about who is holding your hand and, I think, whose hand you commit to holding."

― Taylor Jenkins Reid

"I missed this place" I sighed quietly as I was looking out at the sea we could see from the balcony.

"When was the last time you came to Romania?" Sebastian leaned on the railing by my side and I wrapped my hand around his arm, laying my head on it.

"I spent New Year's Eve on this beach" I said quietly. "I broke up with Luke right before Christmas. Had to take the punch then, my mom would kill me if I left them alone this time of year. But right after I got rid off all of his shit and came here. So when the clock striked the midnight I was sitting on this beach, wishing upon the stars to never feel like this again" I smiled and looked up into his eyes. "I guess they listened" I kissed his nose.

"Do you... sometimes think about him?" he asked quietly and looked at the water lost in thought. "How would that be if you still were together?"

"With Luke?" I furrowed my eyebrows and he nodded. "Not in a way you're thinking of right now."

"What way am I thinking of?" he chuckled glancing at me.

"Because you're asking me if I miss him. And I don't. Getting over him was hard and... pretty fast. This god damn relationship was getting worse and worse for a while, I knew we were heading nowhere. I guess I was hoping it's just a hard time for both of us, you know, crazy time at work, stress with everything. Catching him in bed with his sister was a breaking point for me. I think that knowing it's another time I'm cheated on was the worst part for me, I started second guessing myself if I'm enough for anyone. I ran away to Konstanca right after Christmas and needed to think a lot. The way I think of him now is literally seeing how shitty man he is. It randomly pops in my head when you do something a billion times better than he ever could. I..." I cut myself off and sighed. "My friends were worried about me and you together for a long time."

"Us? Because of the distance?" he furrowed his eyebrows worried and I nodded.

"Yeah, in between. They knew at some point we'd go public. And no matter how many movies and interviews we watched, we're not stupid. We didn't know what kind of a person you actually are before. They were worried if that would be yet another time I'd be cheated on, because I couldn't be there right by your side. You're surrounded by gorgeous women all the time, models, actresses and everything. Fuck, I was terrified what the distance would do to us. And... they were scared, because every time something went wrong with my life, for the past ten years you were my escape from reality. At first I came to Romania because of you, because I saw the pictures and videos of the country and just fell in love with the place. And I felt like a little piece of you is somewhere in here. It just felt like I can come here and chat with you. Something I did in my... literally breaking moments was... talking to you. I was going crazy, I imagined I was talking to you, that you gave me advice. Literally full blown conversations with a poster I hung on the wall" I chuckled and he smiled holding my hand in his. "My therapist was a little worried at first by this technique, but she understood that was my cheer up. So when life was going down, she started asking me 'what would he do if you told him what's going on?' or 'how would he react seeing you try to hurt yourself'? I have a video from few years back when I... I tried ending things. And right before I just looked at the damn poster and that stupid question popped in my head" I looked down taking in a deep breath. "I asked myself how would you react seeing me like this, just... giving up. And no matter how loudly my damn demons screamed you wouldn't give a damn... I just felt like you would be sad. And I've never wanted that. I knew you would be heartbroken if somehow you'd find out. And... I just couldn't do it. I cried myself to sleep on the floor with a bunch of pills in my hand. And this was also the last time I tried. I have never tried hurting myself again, something just clicked in me, that I have to live for my friends, for my dad. That I have to live for you, making it my goal in life to see one damn time some day and thank you for being there for me in one way or another" I chuckled darkly and he pulled me closer, wrapping his arms tightly around my body.