Only for you darling

3.

                  3. Time heals the wounds

Joel

I was sitting around my kitchen table, rubbing my forehead and feeling anxious. Tomorrow we would have some photography session, I don't know. Apparently the photographer is the one who's going to take photos from Olli's and Eevi's weddings.
I don't really care.
I was worrying about my friend, Joonas. He has slept here in my apartment for a month.
After Saga died, he was lost. And still he is. He moved away from his old apartment, but the new one isn't good either. Or he says so. It's been almost a year when she died. It was terrifying for all of us.
But mostly to Joonas and Eevi.
I've been suffering too, seeing my friends being so sad, lost and miserable.. it has affected so much to me and to everyone else. But still the weddings are coming. Joonas isn't excited at all and we all understand him. He's supposed to be the bestman.. honestly I don't know how he will survive from the day. Eevi had to find a new bridesmaid, it was so hard for her.
I remember when we all were on the rehearsal place, just hanging out and talking about this unfair life.
It was two months since Saga's death.

I remember when Eevi bursted into tears and tried to explain how much she hates everything. How she doesn't want anyone else to be the bridesmaid.
They were best friends, I saw that.
Then when Eevi started to cry, Joonas almost left the whole place. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't talk about the whole thing.
But Niko stopped him then, and it was Joonas' time to cry. I hadn't see him crying after the funeral, and we all were kinda relieved that he was letting his feelings out too.
That night we all talked about Saga and the upcoming weddings, we cried and chuckled a bit too to the memories we made with her.

It was so hard for Joonas to perform in front of people at the beginning. I think it still is.
He had to force a smile on his face while doing interviews. So he asked carefully if he wouldn't do them for a while. And it was more than okay to us.
He really misses her.
It breaks my heart to see my best friend like that. He's almost like a brother to me. I would do anything for him to feel better.
Time heals the wounds.. isn't it so..?

Joonas was now laying down on the couch as usual, on my couch. He stared the roof with his headphones on. He does that every day, always when he has free time. He doesn't go to bars anymore.
He doesn't care about anything anymore, to be honest. All what's keeping him on his feet is the whole band and the crew, and music.
Without them.. I think he wouldn't be here anymore.
"Joonas..." I said with normal tone, I know he doesn't hear me. But I was so tired, I didn't have energy to scream his name.
It was past eleven at night. He hasn't eated for all day. I was supposed to see my family yesterday and today.. but I couldn't leave him here alone. I just can't.
"Joonas." I raised my voice a bit. I saw him moving his head towards me, he took his other airpod off from his ear.
We don't really have conversations anymore. Only short ones. I don't remember when was the last time when he laughed. I miss his laugh.

"We have the photoshoot tomorrow, you remember?" I questioned. He looked at me for a second, silent. Then he only nodded slowly.

"Do you guys need me there..?" He asked quietly, playing with the other airpod in his hands. I frowned and got up, I walked closer to him and then just stood there.
"We all need you, Joonas." I studied his tired face.
He didn't react, only blinked and then almost put the airpod back to his ear, but I went closer and kneeled in front of him. He freezed and looked at me with his blue eyes.
At the same time I wanted to start a monolog and tell him how much we all care about him and he needs to move on in life and how pain is slowly fading away as he starts to live life again. But I knew that it wouldn't help. I wanted to hug him and listen how he sobs against my shoulder.
"If I could.. I would take all your pain away.. I would suffer for you all the pain you have..." I said quietly mumbling, he looked at the roof again.
"Nobody deserves the storm I have inside in me." He replied. I was happy to see him answering to me.
I was scared that he would just stay silent and not say a word.