Only for you darling

26.

           26. Tiny stars

Freya

I was sitting in a balcony. Not mine though.
I stared at the night sky, and the multiply stars that were there somewhere. They are so far away. They look so small, but they are very big. And when I imagine how big they really are and how far away, I feel so small. Everything compared to space and planets are small. People are small, buildings are small, planes are small, countries are small. Even the ocean is small. And if those things are small, so are my problems. So is life. And everything what we do.
And it makes me realize how short life actually is. And most of the time people spend it by thinking about their problems and misery. And making bad choices.
It's been three days since I saw with Joel. Since he decided to be controlled by Ruut. I don't know if he knows that I know about what happened between them years ago. I don't know if Ruut is still at his apartment. I don't know where Joonas is.
Every single second I think about that when everything went wrong. Why did I even fall for Joel? Why did I kissed with Niko?
Why everything happened? Is the universe trying to ruin everything good I have? Or had. I don't believe that there is a greater power which decides our destinies, we do it ourselves. We ruin our own lives.
And I have done it now.

I made the decisions. My stupid little brain did them. And my stupid little heart started melting for Joel. He hasn't done anything. It's not his fault.
But the way he let Ruut into his life again.. who's fault that is? Did he decide it, or did Ruut made him do that? I have too many questions without an answer.
Yes, I could go there and "save" Joel, but I can't force a grown up man to do anything. Or.. should I? He's not doing well, I just know that. Tomorrow they start their tour. And maybe he gets rid of her. But also rid of me. I think I've done the right decision. Or a decision that helps me to get my head clear. And also his. We both need time. We need space. He needs to focus on the tour, and I know that his long time friends who are his bandmates, takes good care of him. Like always before. I hope Joonas tells the truth about Ruut to them, and they will get rid of her together.

But I feel also guilty.. about my decision. Eevi.. she asked me to be her friend and to support her through her pregnancy. I wanted nothing more than a friend, and I'm so excited about the pregancy too. Eevi is so sweet and caring person. And this decision I made breaks also my heart. It makes me think that I'm doing a big mistake. But I need this. I need a break. I need time. I need to see new things.
Eevi understands.. I hope so.

I let out a long sigh, and then I stood up. I walked back inside and closed the balcony door after me. Gilbert was already sleeping, he loves sleeping. His back was faced towards me, and he had covered himself fully with the blanket. I only saw few locks of his hair.
Carefully I sat on the bed, I quickly looked at the clock from my phone. 23.13pm. I should go to sleep, tomorrow is a big day.
We sleep in the same bed, this hotel room only has one bed, but it's not a problem. We sleep far away from each other, Gilbert is so gentleman that it was his idea that he would sleep in the couch, but I didn't let him. It's too small and very harsh. He doesn't want to make me uncomfortable or anything. I told him that he could never make me feel uncomfortable.
This decision I made today, was a big thing to Tuomas. But he understood, it's a huge step from him. He wished me to come back as well and not stay.
My mom loves this idea, but she was also a bit worried.

I was standing outside of a club, where this band's summer tour would start. They really wanted to have a club gig, and the fans did too. It's cool, club gigs have their own vibe. Sadly I'm not going to see it tonight. I was waiting for them to come, Gilbert was standing next to me. He scrolled his phone, and also texted often to his family. Some of the fans were already waiting in front of the front door, it was about 1pm. But the crew was moving all the stuff, and we were standing near the back door.
A black van drove near to us, and Gilbert lifted his gaze up and put his phone away.
"They're nice, even though they might look a bit mad." I said to Gilbert. He turned to look at me with a smile on his face.
"It's a pleasure to meet your friends, I don't care if they look mad.. or are mad." He smirked and I chuckled.
They were coming out of the van one after another, having some stuff with them. Eevi was there too and she came to us almost running.
She doesn't know about what I'm planning to do yet. None of them does.
"Freya! God I missed you already." She hugged me tightly.
"Missed you too. Here's my friend Gilbert." I introduced him, and they shook hands.