Only for you darling

8.

8. What if I never heal?

Eevi

I was sitting in our balcony, drinking some ice tea and enjoying the warm night. Figaro, our dog, was at Oulu. My parents really wanted to take care of him while we are getting prepared for the weddings. Olli went to their rehearsal place, I'm not exactly sure what they're doing there. But I think that something related to their upcoming gigs.
It's not going to be long time until our weddings, and I'm waiting for them excited. But also I'm scared.
Will everything go like we're planned? What if I or Olli get sick? What if the priest is late or... who am I kidding? I should not think of the worst.
Everything will be alright.
But Joel has texted me a while ago, he wanted me to look after Joonas. Apparently Joonas hasn't slept in two days, and it's getting worse again. So it wasn't a good idea to take him with them to their rehearsal place.

The doorbell rang. Immediately I stood up and left my tea to the small table. I walked to the door and opened it, Joonas was standing there. He looked so tired, but still he forced a small smile on his lips.
If I'm honest, I was mad to this situation.
Everyone treated Joonas like he was a child, he didn't really get any time to be alone. Boys didn't trust him enough. I think they were scared that something would happen. Joel is the one doing this.
I know, they're like brothers. Joel cares about him so much, but he's getting tired too. Joonas is like a walking zombie, who just follows Joel to everywhere. He feels lonely without him. Joel gives him comfort and he's a big brother figure to him.
I'm sad too. Fucking sad. I miss Saga, my best friend, every freaking day. That's the reason why I'm waiting for those weddings with fear. She's not there.

"Hi Joonas." I smiled to the blonde one while I let him in. He took his shoes and jacket off, it was Joel's jacket, it smelt like him. His blue puppy eyes looked at me while we just stood at the hallway.
"Hi. Joel drove me here." He said. My heart almost broke in pieces, his condition is getting worse again.
After Saga's death, he didn't talk for two weeks to anyone. And when he started talking again, he was so helpless, like a child. He was silent, he didn't laugh. I was broken, depressed like Joonas.
But we didn't talk about it. Like.. me and Joonas.
We haven't talked about Saga's death. And it's been almost a year since it happened.
"How you're doing?" I asked gently while I leaded him towards the living room, he took a seat from the couch. I sat next to him.

His lower lip started to shake, it made me even more worried.
"I..I'm tired. I.. uhm.. miss my old life.. I miss.. her." He told me with his weak and shaking voice. I tried my best to hide my tears, it was hard. But Joonas wasn't hiding, he let them run down his cheeks.
I placed my hand on top of his.
"I miss her too.. every single day." I quietly said.
We stayed silent for a while, both of us trying to calm down a bit.

"Joel has been tense lately. When I ask about something.. I feel like it makes him pissed. He doesn't really communicate. He's.. distant." Joonas then explained sadly. It made me confused, now I really am mad to Joel.
"What? Why he's such an asshole?" I questioned, but I knew that Joonas might not have an answer.
"I feel like he has some problems with women." He shrugged his shoulders. Oh, damn you Joel.
I must admit, Joel has been weird lately. Yes I've seen his problems with women and all that, but he hasn't been like that. He doesn't let it really affect on anything, definitely not towards his friends.
Maybe there's something going on.. something we should be worried about?

"I don't know why he switches them often. When I saw Saga for the first time.. I admired her. And every second I spent time with her.. I just knew it. I loved her. And I never had the courage to say it to her." He played with his fingers. It made me feel better that he was talking about Saga. Talking is always important. I talk about her to Olli often, and it makes me feel better. I hope that Joonas would talk more about his feelings and about her. I want him to be alright.
"Joel can't be long with one woman.. I think. He doesn't feel good enough. But he shouldn't act like that towards you." I told him. He just slowly nodded.
Yeah.. I remember when me and Joel had that small thing. Or.. we didn't have anything.. just.. sex, a few times. And it was hard times for him to accept the fact that we found each other again with Olli.
But we had a long talk, me and Joel. And he promised me to move on.
And he has, he's happy for us. He should find a woman who truly loves him and not because he's a celebrity or he has money. Someone who would understand him.