Best Part of Me

39

"Since the day you left, he started going back to his usual routine. Inom, away, at kulong sa kwarto." Kwento ng ina ni Ash.

Umalis na kami sa chappel at nagpunta sa pantry ng hospital. We just bought iced coffee and bread because I realize I still haven't eaten today.

"And you also looked like you've been going through a lot." She commented.

"Haggard po ba ako?" I joked trying to ease the heavy atmosphere. She chuckled and shook her head.

"Maganda ka pa rin." Sagot nito. I chuckled and sipped my coffee.

"Recently, Ash was confined due to alcohol intoxication. He drunk to much and almost killed himself. He's recovering until now." Nag iwas ako ng tingin. I suddenly had this urge to run to him and hug him. I had this urge to stay by his side until he get better. But who am I to do that?

"Please take care of him for me, Tita." I said. She nodded and smiled.

"No one can take care of him better than you do. "

I could feel my tears again so I cleared my throat and stood up.

"I..I think I have to go na po. I have some errands to do." Palusot ko. I don't want this false hopes anymore.

She smiled sadly while we bid our goodbyes. Marami pa siyang sinabi bago ako umalis but I decided to ignore it. I don't want to create illusion for myself na meron pang chance dahil wala na.

I took the elevator but instead of going down, I pressed the button to go up in the rooftop.

The door opened and I was welcomed by the cold wind.

This looked like a mini garden, and it was relaxing. Umupo ako sa isang swing, nakatanaw ito sa buong ciudad, I could see the city lights as well as the stars above. I roamed my eyes around and realized I was alone. This place can be a good therapy, I wonder why no one else was here.

I don't know how long I've been staring above that it make my neck hurt. 

I always had this thought of just ending everything.

But I still need to atleast fight for it.

So I always end up waking up for another day.

Then I never realized it has been a year.

But I'm still stuck at the past while everyone else has moved forward.

I stood up and walked to the edge. I stepped my feet on the railings.

I closed my eyes and feel the cold wind brush my skin, I don't know how much tears I had to share but I know it will not end here.

I opened my eyes, I was about to move and was about to go home when someone suddenly pulled my waist. I lost my balance and fell from the railings, I bumped my forehead to something.

Everything was like a flash, I don't know what happened. I just knew, my forehead hurts like crazy.

"Magpapakamatay ka ba?!" He shouted really loud.

Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig ng marinig ang boses na iyon. We were both sitting on the ground, he was still wearing his hospital clothes.

Napatingin ako sa railings, did he just pulled me from there?

"I..I.." I could not compose any words. He was looking at me with anger, like he always does, but with a hint of worry.

"Shit." He cursed them immediately stood up and went to me. Lumuhod siya sa harap ko at tinignan ang noo ko.

"Fuck it's bleeding."

I don't know what happened next. I just felt like my world was spinning and then my vision went blank.

----

"She's fine she just needs some rest."

I opened my eyes. Napabalikwas ako ng ma-realize kong hindi pamilyar ang kwarto. The lights were dim, and I could hear a beeping sound from the machine. I roamed my eyes and saw my hand with an IV drip.

Napahawak ako sa noo ko ng bigla na lamang itong kumirot.

"Fck. Just lie down!"

Mabilis akong napatingin sa kung sino man ang sumigaw sa akin.

My heart suddenly raced just by looking at him.

"B-bakit ako nandito?" Tanong ko. His forehead is creasing but he pushed my shoulder gently to let me lie down. He pushed a button somewhere on the bed to incline it.

"How's your feeling?" He asked, not minding my question.

"O-okay naman." I answered. I am still lost and confused why am I here and why am I with him.

He stared at me. I don't know what is he thinking and he's not showing any emotion.

Ang alam ko lang ay sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. I diverted my eyes somewhere and cleared my throat.

"I.. I need to go home." I said breaking the silence.

"No. You need to stay here until you feel better." He answered.

I literally want to scream in frustration. I don't want to stay here with him, I don't want hope, I don't like this feeling of longingness and I don't want my heart to be beating like this.

"I do feel better now." I was about to remove the drip on my hand when he stopped me from doing so. He was holding my wrist, stopping me from what I was doing.

His warm hand, his stares, his voice, I miss everything about him.

"You're not." He said coldly.

I bit my tongue to stop myself from crying and hugging him.

Hindi pwede.

Hindi na pwede.

Hindi na ako nakipagtalo pa. I feel tired and drained.

I don't know why he's like this.

"Bakit nga ako nandito?" Mahinang tanong ko, mabilis ko rin binawi ang kamay ko at iniwas ang tingin sa kanya.

"Bakit ka nandito? Siguro dahil muntik ka ng magpakamatay and I stopped you from being stupid." Sarkastikong sagot nito. So he thought magpapakamatay ako?

"I don't have plan to kill myself. Nagpapahangin lang ako!" I defended. He scoffed and sat at the chair crossing his hand.

"Kaya pala nasa railings ka?" Sarkastikong sagot niya.

"I don't plan on jumping. Actually pauwi na ako, kung hindi ka lang assuming edi sana hindi ako nauntog." Inis na sagot ko.

"So it's my fault?" Naiinis din na sagot nito.

Hindi na ako sumagot. I just suddenly got dizzy.

Pumikit nalang ako ang humingang malalim.

"Why do you even care?" I whispered.

May sinabi pa siya ngunit di ko na narinig. Para akong hinatak sa kadiliman ng antok ko.

"Goodnight." I heard him whisper.

"Night." I whispered back.