Never letting you go (Penelope x reader)

The one where i think you should take it

Y/n pov

"Y/n, i'm so glad you're home. I have something to tell you" Lena says as she jumps up from the couch in happiness, i'm a little surprised that she's even awake as it's in the middle of the night. My head is still cloudy but i can feel how it's starting to pass. "You okay? What happened at that engagement party?"

"We got pulled into a case so we didn't stay for long, they say hi by the way" i say as i try to smile but i can see on her that my eyes bust me. "Nevermind that, what do you wanna tell me?"

"I got a job request as a Neuro attending"

"Oh my god, that's amazing Lena" i say and i'm actually happy for her. But it hasn't brought away any of the thoughts Mark's words gave me. I may still love her...but i'm not in love with her anymore.

"But it's at Brigham and Women's/Mass general Health Care Centre at Foxborough" she ends the sentence and i realise that it means moving again.

"But that's in Massachusetts " i say and it's like she thinks i'm gonna drop everything here for her to continue her career. Maybe i would once, but not anymore.

"I know, but i found this cute house for us and it even has a pool and suna and even a...."

"I can't just up and move Lena, it doesn't work like that" i cut her off and her once happy face tones down to confusion.

"Why not?"

"Because i have a life here now, i can't keep following you around when i finally found a place and people that make me feel at home" i don't even know where the words come from but the calming has taken down my filter, so i won't be able to lie about the reasons.

"You can just say it, it's because of Penelope"

"Partly yes, but there are other things here too" i answer and she is generally surprised by my answer.

"What happened to not wanting to throw thirteen years? What about all those promises?"

"Well you were right, i died out there and the piece of me that was in love with you died out there" now she's just quiet. "Mark made me realise that... i shouldn't do something that's wrong for me just because it's the right thing to do"

"So you're not just not coming with me but you're also breaking up with me. Wow naked truth"

"Yeah sorry, Matthew drugged me" and that changes the mood in the apartment fully.

"WHAT? Wait, Matthew Black, the man you dated before me? What kind of people do you really hang with?"

"It was a case, he was the leading detective but it turned out that he was a serial killer that targeted people who were nearly identical to you. From your appearance, to being a med-student to being engaged to a woman who's barely home"

"Oh honey, this explains it. The drugs make you say these things, you're just being paranoid because there is one person who's crazy and has a connection to you" she walks up to me but i back away.

"The things i'm saying here are the stuff i had planned to say from the beginning two days ago" that makes her freze when she hears that i've been planning this for two days. "He made me realise that as much as i actually love you, i'm not in love with you anymore"

"But you are in love with Penelope"

"Stop throwing her into the conversation Lena, this is serious and i don't have time for your jealousy. It's starting to get on my nerves" i finally snap at this because i can't keep doing this. I don't even care how hurt she looks. "I think you should take the job, it's a great opportunity and it's far away from me"

"You can't do this y/n, you promised we'd have the rest of our lives together"

"And we did, but that ended over a year ago" there are tears streaming down her face and judging by my dry skin i'm not. It only hurts her more that i don't look as hurt by this like she does.

"You still can't do this, you can't just send me away because you've got problems"

"I'm not sending you away because i've got a problem, i'm sending you away because i love you and it's what's safest for you right now" i start to take off the ring that has resided on my finger for a 16 months. This action shows her how serious i am about this. But the freeing feeling i usually feel when i take it off isn't there as i put it in her hand.

"Please Y/n, i beg of you" but this time i don't feel bad for doing what needs to be done for me to feel good.

"I'm sorry, but i need to put myself first this time. I hope you have all the luck in the world and find a way to move on"

"You too, but i already know you've moved on. So i hope you and her will have the life we were supposed to have" and with that she takes up her bag but before she walks out the door. "I'll come by when you're at the office tomorrow and pick up my things" and i don't get to tell her that i'm staying home for two days. But since i don't want to run into her when she gets her things, I'll have to leave at some point. I'm sure Aaron won't mind if i'm just chilling there instead of home, i'm not gonna work. Or i'm going to do a lot of paperwork to distract myself. A tightness in my chest takes away any thought in my head, the feeling of my lungs getting shoved together is not a feeling i've missed the last months. I look at the clock on the wall to see that it's been seven hours since intake, which means it's worn off and that panic it kept me from having is all coming at once. My back presses hard against the kitchen wall as i try to breathe normally without any success.

All those thoughts that've been going around my head for weeks are all coming at once again and i have no one here. The medic said that i should have someone near when it wore off. I push through the tightness of my body to reach for my phone, managing to make it fall down from the table and onto the floor next to me. I don't even know who to call right now, i know whose voice i need to hear but i also know who's the only person that'll understand and know. I throw my phone into the other wall with a scream as the tears start to push through. It's like someone is holding a chokehold around my neck so i can't breathe, i never thought i could wish so much for someone who i've never met. But that thought only makes me cry even more.