Never letting you go (Penelope x reader)

The one with the 'kids' topic

Cursive - Flashbacks

Penelope pov

I think about calling you but i decide not to as Kevin comes into the room. I put away my phone to continue to search for the unsub. Luckily we already know who it is but he's been under the radar for months, so they called in us to figure out where he is and what he's up to.

"How's it going?" he asks and i can't help but feel bad, JJ's words are still echoing in my head almost a month later. I've tried to distance myself from you but not too fast so it just seems like we've slipped apart normally.

"Good but you can't be in here right now" i answer in a stern voice, not even looking at him.

"Why not?"

"Because i'm in the middle of a case, i'll see you later" and after a few seconds of the keystrokes being the only sound i hear the door close behind him. I can't help but feel bad, i don't know what's with me anymore and it's eating me up from inside.

Somehow instead of searching for Marcus Radford, i'm pulling up an old case file that the team consulted on. It was sent to Hotch by request, i don't even know why i pulled it up. I now realise that i had searched for Y/n Sloan. Most of the report is covered so i know it's wrong... fuck. I look at the different picture of you, your hair that's so much longer, your eyes filled with so much more life, your cheeks fuller, somehow different but still the same. Before i take it down i accidently see the date. The ending date is around the time you had started your leave... or medical leave as it seems it was. But i don't click on the medical file but at the x, removing the files from my screens. I take a deep breath as i reach for the phone to call you up, but i hesitate, it's not the right time now. It reminds me of when you first got here, when you had to shadow Prentiss as a precaution.

After the case

Y/n pov

Now that i don't have the case in my head again i can't stop thinking about what Lena started talking about. Emily and JJ comes up to me in the seat that has almost become mine, same as i sat in on my first case.

"How are you doing?" Emily asks as they both sit down.

"Good, just a little tired" i answer automatically and they can hear it was, sharing a look. "Why?"

"You just seemed a little distant and we wanted to make sure you didn't blame yourself" JJ answers and her eyes meet the floor. It's not that i blame myself, it was my fault and i stand for it, just not out loud. We split up and i was alone with Radford on the roof. I didn't call for backup when i should have. I could have stopped him, but i didn't, I chose not to and i saw that it was wrong but by then it was too late, he jumped. I told the others the door jammed instead, making me too late. Even though i gave the small effort of trying to save him.

"Marcus Radford, drop the gun and turn around, hands where i can see them" i say as i point my own gun at him. He turns around to face me at the edge of the rooftop, not dropping the gun but holding his hands up. "Now walk towards me" but instead he takes a few steps back, towards the total edge. I don't move from my place, it's like i'm frozen.

"Aren't you gonna try and stop me?" He sounds surprised that i'm not even trying to talk him down.

"Why should i?" i say and his gaze changes into questions.

"Isn't that what you're supposed to do? The BAU, talk about why i did what i did and stuff" he scuffs with the gun towards me.

"If you wanna jump, jump. You'll be better off dead then in prison" i can tell by his gaze that he's never been to prison, the question lying behind them. "Do you know what they do to child molestors in prison Marcus?"

"Enlighten me 'agent' Sloan" he says, almost mocking my title.

"They don't last long above the surface. So if you wanna jump, jump. I'm not going to stop you" i don't even believe it myself that he's gonna do it. "But if you want to leave your parents without their child, your daughter without her father, your wife without her husband"

"You think they're going to forgive me?"

"No i don't, but if you jump you won't find out if they will" i put the gun back into my holster as i manage to move my frozen feet towards with my hands up.

"You know what i regret now, standing here?"

"What do you regret Marcus?" i ask, amusing him. It's like my body is refusing to let me save him as i only stand eleven feet from him.

"That i didn't tell enough people to fuck off" he says, taking the last step to leaning backwards and falling to his death. I don't even move, i just stare at the place where he was standing mere seconds ago.

But for what he had done to his family, he should be rotting in jail but he's better off dead. It's not like he wound be treated good in prison, he raped his own daughter and sixteen other little girls.

"I'm fine, really. He couldn't live with his family never being able to forgive him, he's better off now since we all know what happens to child molesters in jail" i answer because i know they know that.

"How's Lena then?" Emily asks and that grabs my attention a little bit more. Even though my reaction was small they both picked up on it.

"Did you get into a fight or what?" JJ asks worriedly. I didn't know you could say it like that and not sound sarcastic or unbothered.

"No, we're fine" i finally met Emily's gaze and cave. "She was talking about kids... before i got the call" and they both leaned back into their seats.

"And you don't want them?" JJ asks and i shake my head.