Never letting you go (Penelope x reader)

The one where i start over

Y/n pov

I wake up with a jerk in my own bed, breathing hard. I feel and arm wrapped around my waist to keep me down. Panic fills me as i can't move even though i know it's just my fiance's arm. I shouldn't panic, but i still do. Trying not to wake her up, still my breathing being uneven, i make my way over to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. Having it locked makes me feel safe from whatever is outside, not just in the bedroom but out everywhere. I know there is nothing to be afraid of anymore but it's not something i can simply shake off. Like i can still feel the ropes around my wrists, feeling the scars of them. I hunch over the sink in a desperate try to get my breathing under control without making too much noise. A clicking noise from the ring going against the porcelain sink only makes it worse, so i slide it off and put it beside me. To think that only that small action instantly gives me a sense of freedom and makes my breath slow down. I take a deep breath again before meeting my own tired reflection. There's still a trace of the reflection i had a year ago but it's not something you see if you haven't seen that reflection yourself. Isn't this just great though, just when i'm actually about to go back to work, a new place, i wake up like this again. Truth is that i had gotten better, even though i lied about how much. I had been free of them for two months, making it possible for them to clear me for the field. Now i just hope that my new boss at the BAU hasn't shared the story of my past with everyone, also glad that he's not a stranger as out paths have crossed in the past. The last thing i need is more pity. But at least i'll know one more person on the team, Emily Prentiss, both an old friend and colleague of mine.

Now, instead of looking at myself in the mirror, feeling bad for myself, i take off my pj's and step into a hot shower instead, being able to wash away the feeling of being touched. It's something i've done a lot in the past months, when the wounds stopped stinging by the water. Letting the water trace over those scars he had inflicted. They make both me and Lena really glad about my transfer from Interpol to the BAU, no more going undercover in the same way, no more larger risks to put myself in the big of a danger again. And her favourite, no more being away for months at a time and not being able to talk about it. Now it'll only be a few days max and not always. She practically forced me into it when i got the offer, at least i'll be able to have dinner with her a few times a week.

A knock on the bathroom door awakes me from my thoughts, my heart skipping a beat. I shut off the shouwer to wrap a towel around me.

"You okay in there? Why is the door locked?" Lena asks worriedly, only knowing so much as to what injuries the doctor told her i had. Even though my therapist thought i would be a good idea to tell someone else then her what i went though those three weeks it's something i will never tell anyone.

"Yeah, i'm okay" i answer, unlocking the door so that she can see me while i say it. Her eyes examining my body over and over again, like they always do. Giving me a little of that feeling i just washed off.

"Good, it's time to go if you wanna get coffee before you start"  she has this smile on her lips that used to make me melt at the sight of them, her raven hair falling from her head and her chocolate brown eyes. I don't feel all what i used to anymore at the sight, maybe i'm just that damaged now.

"You need a ride to the seminar? That was today, wasn't it?" i ask as i make my way past her and over to the wardrobe, taking out a pair of dark blue jeans and matching blouse.

"No, i'm okay. That lecture doesn't start for another three hours so..." she watches me as i walk all over the bedroom to get ready. Stopping me by wrapping her arms around my waist, forcing me to meet her gaze, also letting that feeling of being trapped wash back over me. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yes i'm sure, i'm probably just nervous, it's been a year" i answer, letting a soft kiss onto her lips.

"They'll love you. And you'll have Emily if anything goes wrong, Aaron too if he's as good as you say he is" she says and she's right, as usual. She pecks my nose, making me let out a small laugh. "There's the woman i love, now go rock their world"

I take my things and with a last goodbye, i'm out the apartment door, down the stairs and into my car in the parking lot. It feels refreshing to breathe the fresh air, so freeing. But just as i'm about to drive out Lena comes running out the door and up to my window, that i roll down. The late summer breeze against my face makes me feel even more free.

"You almost forgot it" she says as she takes my hand, putting the ring back on it. I had completely forgotten i had even taken it off. She doesn't know i do it often, nor does she need to know. Considering the feeling of being trapped it gives me i wonder why i even agreed to get married, i never wanted to begin with. "I love you"

"I love you too" i say, giving her one last kiss through the window and i'm out. I stop by my favourite coffee shop, holding up the door for the colourful woman who smiles at me, as it's not the first time we've seen each other, we're both regulars.

"Hi y/n" she says with her bubbly, happy voice. It somehow always manages to make me smile.

"Good morning Penny" i answer before we both get on with our day. I get my order and continue to drive to the BAU, getting into the elevator and feeling my heart racing. I calm myself down with the fact that both Emily and Aaron are on the team, if there's anyone who'll know without babying me it's them. I start to connect my fingers in a melody to try and calm myself down. Sa, Ta, Na, Ma. And it works just in time for the elevator doors to open. As i walk out i meet the gaze of the familiar raven haired woman inside the bullpen.