In Aid

16. Plans

"Maybe we should end the visit here for now." Sang got up and stood in front of me, gently pulling my hand away from my mouth where I had been chewing on my nails. "Hey, focus on me. You need to slow your breathing, or you are going to pass out."

I looked at him, feeling myself tearing up. The walls were closing in. "I c-can't."

"Yes, you can. Breathe with me. Inhale slowly, hold, then exhale slowly. You can hold my hands if you want to. Just look at me and pay attention to your breathing, alright. Inhale, hold... and then exhale. Inhale, hold... and exhale."

I felt stupid getting all worked up over something I couldn't change. The tears streaming down my face made me want to hide but Sang only continued to lead my intentional breathing, gently squeezing my hand every now and then.

After I had calmed down enough to move, Sang had a brief conversation with Dr Stanley. Afterwards, he took Milan and me out. Sang drove us down to a river I had never been to, and we walked around it a couple times before going by the stores.

It took focusing on Milan getting excited at nearly every store for me to fully calm down. I watched his eyes grow wide as he stared through the window of a store that showcased colourful wigs, mumbling to himself and taking pictures as he went along. He really did look like a child lost in his own world, especially in his polka-dotted shorts and short-sleeved button-up. The backpack didn't help.

"Aren't you bothered he's like that?" I asked.

"Milan? Like what?"

"So... childish?"

Sang tilted his head as he watched Milan set off again, getting drawn to a brightly painted canvas in the window of another store. "I am sure to you he is only childish in the sense that he is small, young, and is easily excited whether it's by a painting or a pat on the head. Do not go thinking that I am attracted to young boys by the way."

"I didn't even get that far," I said, raising my hands in surrender. "But you have to admit he is kind of childish. It doesn't help that he's doted on and knows just how spoiled he is."

"He has always been spoiled, rarely ever said 'no' to. But I do not mind that he is a bit childish or feminine. I don't care. Childish interests and appearances do not make him any less of an adult. He works, takes care of himself and his surroundings, pays his bills, buys his own things, and actually enjoys doing housework. Is it not unfair if all that is overshadowed by the fact that he is a boy who likes plushies and sweets?"

I watched as Milan entered a convenience store, probably enthralled by the limited-edition popsicles advertised in the window. "Yeah," I agreed. "It would be unfair." I didn't know how independent he was. Or maybe I hadn't been paying attention because I'd seen him as a child since day one.

"Are you feeling any better?" Sang asked as we entered the convenience store that Milan had gone into.

"Yeah," I answered, bringing my hand up to my mouth again, only to stop myself from biting my nails. It was frustrating and I needed a cigarette. "Thanks for earlier. I'm sorry I lost it like that."

"Crying is normal when confronted with troubling topics of discussion. You do not ever need to apologize for crying- why must you feel the need to bite your nails? That is an unhealthy habit."

I stuffed my hands in my pockets. "I can't help it, alright? I need to have something in my mouth. I'm dying for a cigarette right now and Aubyn took the only packs I had."

"That explains why you smoked through half a pack in half a day. Were you not breastfed?"

"Actually, no," I admitted. "My mom took off not long after I was born. For the weeks that she stuck around, she didn't want to feed or even hold me. At least that's what my father told me."