In Aid

30. We Need To Talk More

I wasn't been able to finish my breakfast due to my mind being scrambled by him pretty much admitting that he liked me back. He'd said I didn't need to comment on it right away, but it left me feeling shy being alone with him even while we cleaned up and were on our way back to the bedroom.

"I don't think you having a son is such a big deal. It doesn't change the fact that I like you." It was so strange coming out of my mouth but I had already drunkenly outed myself to him.

"It does not matter."

"I just..." I rubbed the back of my neck. Had I misunderstood? "I thought you were worried about that."

"Not anymore. I wanted to believe that you had feelings for me as you said last night, but you also said something else that I cannot pretend I did not hear."

"I was drunk..."

"Which is why I will ask for confirmation," Aubyn said, his eyes meeting mine. "Did you or did you not have sex with someone else last night?"

Fuck. "I did but I was drunk."

"And is every decision you make while drunk supposed to be overlooked?" Aubyn asked. "Because you not only had sex with someone else, you also confessed your feelings to me. Am I supposed to take that as a drunken mistake too?"

I couldn't even think of a way to defend myself. It wasn't condescension in his tone, but something else that made me feel like he was scolding me. "But I do like you."

"I am getting mixed signals here. I wanted to be with you and I was anxious to reveal I had a son because I did not want to overwhelm you." He leaned against the dresser. "I kissed you, I engaged in sexual acts with you, and I am still trying to make sure that I help you achieve your dream because I care about you. I do not know what to believe if you say you like me, but you have sex with someone within the same hour. Your words and your actions are not matching up."

I wrapped my arms around myself. How was I supposed to explain the toxic behaviour I had normalized for myself? "I needed to blow off some steam the only way I knew how. Last night, I don't really remember everything, but I know I was hurting. I thought Coen was your husband. To think that you were married when we were getting so close..."

"But I repeatedly told you that Coen wasn't a romantic partner of mine. You say you trust me, but why could you not trust that I was not lying to you?"

"Because I just couldn't! I'm used to being lied to and deceived and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. If something seems too good to be true-"

"Sometimes things are just that good." Aubyn interrupted. "Are you going to keep doubting everything good that comes along because it is not what you are used to doing? The slightest assumed inconvenience made you harm yourself and me, yet you say you like me."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, feeling stuck, exposed, and called out. I thought he would just accept my apology but I had fucked up on another level. He liked me. I got confirmation and I managed to fuck that up before it could go anywhere.

"For what? Why are you apologizing? Do you understand what you did wrong?"

I bit down on my lip hard and nodded. "I understand, but I don't know how to fix it."

Aubyn stepped forward to lessen the distance between us. "I am sorry that I kept Coen a secret for so long. The moment I knew I was going to have to bring him here, I should have told you. I am hurt that you allowed someone else to touch you. I feel like I have been cheated on because I thought we had something."

"We do," I said quickly, grasping his hand and pulling it from where he'd had his arms folded over his chest. "I messed up. I self-sabotage when I don't feel like I deserve something. I believe the worst in people even if they're good to me because I've had to take everything with a grain of salt to survive."