All I've ever wanted

38

Camila POV:

Tw

Silence fills the air.

"Wha-a-t-t?" His voice cracks.

I look up at him and instantly regret it. His face looks like he's seen a ghost. It's white and his eyes look confused with his eyebrows furrowed. He stares back at me waiting for me to explain.

"I was pregnant and I didn't know. It was yours."

His mouth opens and closes a couple times in shock.

"Was pregnant?" He asks completely dismissing that I said it was his.

I nod my head and put my hair back out of my face behind my ears.
I look down and start fidgeting with my fingers.

"After we hooked up on the cruise, we went our separate ways. School started, at the time I still didn't hook up with anyone. I was focused on my grades and finding a job. I was also uh- I swallow shakily- heartbroken. I was so preoccupied that I didn't notice I missed a period. One night I was sleeping and I got heavy cramps. I didn't think anything of it than my period coming in. In the morning, I woke up to blood all over my sheets and legs. I was covered in blood. So much blood. - I pause as a tear falls down my face and hits the white comforter- I was really scared and confused. Melanie went with me to the hospital. They took blood work and scans and everything came out normal except for the fact that I was pregnant. They did an ultrasound and there was a baby but with no heart beat. They informed me that I was miscarrying at twelve weeks pregnant with a baby boy. Because I was twelve weeks along, they had to do a d & c because I was already bleeding way too much and they didn't want to take the risk of me going into septic shock. I had the surgery and I was going to tell you but we already hated each other and you were hooking up with so many girls at the time that I couldn't."

I'm holding onto my tears trying not to fully cry while he's just sitting their in shock. I finally look up to him to see tears rolling down his cheeks and his eyes red. He pulls me to his lap and wraps his arms around me.

I lose it.

I start sobbing. For the baby that I didn't know about. For the baby we couldn't have. For our baby. For all the pain I had to endure alone without him. I feel tears hit my neck and I know he's sobbing too.
For the baby, he didn't know about. For the baby, we couldn't have. For all the pain he wasn't there for. For us. For our baby.

We sit there wrapped in each others arms crying for god knows how long until I have no more tears left. I look up at him and his face is swollen from crying, his eyes are puffy and red and it breaks my heart seeing him this way. I didn't want to see him in pain too.

"I'm sorry" I whisper my voice sounding hoarse from all the crying and puking I did earlier.

"No I'm sorry" he tells me back and cups my face. "I'm sorry for not being there with you." His bottom lip quivers and he bites it to prevent him from spiraling into tears again.

I kiss him softly and pull back. " I didn't know. We didn't know"

"Why are you telling me now?" He questions and tilts his head to the side.

I gulp and look down nervously. He lifts my chin up to look at him in the face. "What is it?"

"There's something else that I've been hiding for a long time."

I close my eyes briefly and open them back swallowing my fears. "After losing our baby, I was super depressed. I went down a really black hole and I started self harming myself. At first it was drugs, I would go to parties and take whatever was there. Then it was alcohol trying to numb the pain away of not having our baby but then the pain would come back the next day and I just felt like I couldn't live with myself. I had so much guilt inside of me for not knowing that maybe if I would've known, he would still be here. I felt guilt that I was alive and he wasn't. So I started cutting. Cutting in places no one can see - I lift up my shorts so he can see my scars- one day I almost went too far and Melanie came just in time. I was in the bathtub and I was going to cut my wrists."